My dad is a goldmine for these
Because I put them on his bedroom window.
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant." The soldier didn"t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your automobiles on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
…he went downhill very quickly after that.
I said, “Who is this guy?” Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.
Because being ugly every day sucks… 🙁
A man worked his whole life at the pickle factory. One day he came home and informed his wife that he had been fired from his job.
She was in disbelief and near tears. "20 years of your life you gave them, and this is how they repay you!", she shouted, confused. "What happened, why were you laid off?" "Well, for 20 years since I've worked there I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer. Call it curiosity if you want. Well, today I did it, and they fired me because of it". The wife hurried over to check what damage he caused. "Well it all looks fine, doesn't seem like you hurt yourself. But what happened to the pickle slicer?" The man replied: "they fired her too!"
It’s because an asteroid might hit us next month. ….. and … paper always beats rock
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
It ended in a draw.
Ba dum tss
When it becomes apparent.
At a recent job interview I was asked "Can you perform under pressure?" I said "Unfortunately not, but I know the words to Bohemian Rhapsody."
But I'm not impressed, I've had a canon printer for ages.
My boss accused me of stealing, and fired me from my job at the furniture store. But I regret nothing.
Sometimes you have to take a stand.
I don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place
At any moment, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…
Probably why I’m the only child.
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean
No ones given me a straight answer.
Because you need to have friends to be on facebook.
The local drug dealer in town started dressing as a Jehovah’s Witness so as not to arouse suspicion.
He was arrested when cops saw people actually letting him in.
They're the reason ice mocha lot of weed
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
By previously legalizing same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:
Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."