My dad is addicted to ladders
He uses them to get high.
Tell her a joke on Wednesday
By shear coincidence
It causes me to start coffin.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
from all of US!
The doctor told me to take the candles off next time.
When I was little, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive..
It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
He said : “Pick a star sign any star sign.” I said : “Capricorn” And he said : “Nah you got cancer”
I said "It's growing on me."
Cause groups of fish are called schools
It's a faux pa.
People were lined up for blocks
Well, after 10 years your Job still sucks.
We're currently filming the pilot.
Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.
i've only got my shelf to blame….
That kid didn't help at all.
Because there was gold in them/their hills.
My local church recently held a masquerade themed dinner and whilst the priest was saying grace I suddenly realised…
It was a blessing in disguise.
Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.
The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch. The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat. Pope: Sorry about the mix up. Clinton: No problem. Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven. Clinton: Why's that? Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary. Clinton: You're a day late.
This invention was ground breaking
The bartender brings the drink and the beer starts whining. "My life is terrible, Nobody likes me, The world sucks." The bartender replies "it's all in your head."
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
How different do you think your life would have been if your parents named you Moe instead of Neil and would you still use your full name?
It was the least I could do for the guy.
One is a Goodyear, one is a great year.
To cover its butt quack
But that was so yesterday
I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.
The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
..until the police came and removed me from the library.
Me: Hey dad, where are you off to? Dad: I'm heading out to a Korean boy-band show. Me: KPOP?! Dad: Yes, I'm fine.
And a lifetime ban at the San Diego Zoo.
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Most Americans don't get it.