My dad just sent me this
A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing… they keep saying ‘Hi, we’re hot… do you want to *fuck us*?'”
"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots… to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filth, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship the good Lord." So the next day, the lady brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want to fuck us?” One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "put the bible away you idiot, our prayers have been answered!"
I taught a wolf to meditate
Now he’s aware wolf
I have like 50 jokes about the unemployed
Trouble is, none of them work.
I don’t want to sound racist, but…
Every one in the KKK looks the same to me.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
An atheist is hiking in the woods…
So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror,‟ Oh God,help me!!!” Suddenly,everything–the bear,the trees,the birds,everything but the man–freezes. The man sees the clouds part as a deep heavenly voice reaches his ears. ‟So,all your life,You deny My existence,yet now you call for My aid now that death is upon you? I am sorry,My son,but it is too late.” The atheist thinks quickly. ‟Well,God,if it is too late for me to become a Christian,how about you just convert the bear?” Time begins moving again,and the bear immediately stops its roaring,kneels quietly and respectfully,and begins speaking. ‟O Lord,bless this meal in which I am about to partake…”
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.
It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her. I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.
Did you hear about the electrician who played guitar?
He was really good with his chord changes
Why can’t you trust an atom?
Because they make up literally everything.
Does anyone else knock on the fridge before opening the door?
You never know if there may be a salad dressing.
A guy gets horny during his first week on a pirate ship…
So he goes up to the captain and asks "What do you guys use when you get horny?" The captain says: "There's a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that". Guy: "Great when can I use it?" Captain: "You can use it any day of the week, except Tuesday". Guy: "Why not Tuesday?" The captain grinned and said: "Cause that's your day in the barrel."
I was staying at a hotel.
Some people took the stairs to their rooms, and some took the elevator. Right then I realized everyone was raised differently
My grandfather’s in hospice, Dad asked him “how are you feeling?”
With my hands. OG dad joker till the end. Love you Grandfather.
Two cannibals sat by a fire the 1st one says
"I'm going to become a vegan". The other one says "me too" The 1st one says " you do realise we have totally fucked up this joke now it won't be funny " The other one says "yeh well that's vegans for you"
A writer approached me today acting strange and asked me to help him find his back garden…
I think he's lost the plot…
3 unwritten rules of life: 1. 2. 3.
1. 2. 3.
Why won’t the dog listen to the farmer’s sheep jokes?
Because he has herd them all.
I have lots of Kenny Rogers jokes, but in light of his recent passing, I won’t tell them.
You gottta know when to hold 'em.
We imported a tree from Canada.
It's pretty oak, eh.
I asked my sheepdog how many sheep we had, he said 40.
"What? We should only have 37!" I replied. "I know" he said, "I rounded them up".
Therapists only want one thing
and it's fucking discussing.
A book fell on my head.
I've only got my shelf to blame.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
I was diagnosed as colorblind yesterday
It came completely out of the purple
What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing, they're already stuffed…
Good romance starts with a good friendship. Bad romance on the other hand starts with
Ra Ra Ah Ah Ah Ro Ma Ro Ma Ma Ga Ga Ohh La La
I got one of them anti bullying bracelets today
Nicked it off some fat ginger prick at the park
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so good at it.
2020 was simultaneously a year ago and 10 years ago, time no longer makes sense
2020 was simultaneously a year ago and 10 years ago, time no longer makes sense
Paddy’s night in Dublin
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day. At one point, Mick the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. ‘Damn,’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again. ‘Damn, damn!’ He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. ‘By Jeebers… I’m a little crocked,’ he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, ‘No damn’ way’. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed!’ He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘Damn it!’ and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’ Paddy says, ‘No Jess, what makes you say that?’ ‘Mick phoned… you left your wheelchair at the pub
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
What do you call a girl who refuses to pay her bills?
Burnadebt (Just thought of this and I gotta admit…I'm a little bit proud of myself.)
Did you hear about the explosion at the Shoe Factory?
God rest their soles.
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
In case they get a hole in one.
Joke
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine."