My dad just sent this one
"I can arrange some things for you," the devil says. "I'll get you billions of dollars, unlimited political influence, and anything else you can dream of. All I ask for in return is death, disease and poverty for millions of people around the world." The politician thinks for a moment and says, “What's the catch?"
I'm not sure why… I wasn't even talking!
My Wife: Is it frozen? Me: No, it’s Wreck It Ralph. She’s 19 weeks pregnant, I can feel the dad joke wit rising!
But one look and I realised it was a small price toupee.
His name was Rick O'Shea
I think its days are numbered.
Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream." "Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it." "My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem – a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down." He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs. She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"
I’ve seen enough.
But I never got the chants.
I guess that's what I get for getting a pure bread dog.
they haven't been able to have a child for over a year so they go see a doctor. He has them do all the tests, sperm, blood and so on. After a week they get a call from the doctor's office, the results are in. So they go. The doctor comes in and sits down. He looks at the lab results, looks at them. Looks back at the lab results and then back at them again. And then he says: "Gentlemen, you cannot be serious."
but I like my words to be spelt in reverse alphabetical order.
Fat. You get fat. What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?
The chances of someone falling in love with me just went from 0% to 8%
"2 or 3" she replied. That probably explains why her marriage failed.
I told her to get out of my fort.
Apparently 1080p wasn't the best answer.
You have my word
Because it’s capsized.
They become VERY ANGRY
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
….maybe ours will now run on Thyme.
Me, to my son, immediately after being born: Congratulations! You're officially the youngest person in the world! Him: crying Me: Sorry kid, your 4 seconds of fame are over.
Good players are hard to find.
So I bought her a candle…
It's a really small number, you've probably never heard of it.
Denim denim denim Denim denim denim
Pun in, ten dead.