My dad once told me that jacking off too much can make you go blind
Then I said "Dad, I'm over here."
I keep asking what does LGBT mean
I can’t even get a straight answer
Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make.”
“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes. “Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!” The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?” “I’m marrying a Russet!” “A Russet!” replied Mother Potato with pride. “Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!” As the family shared in the eldest daughter’s joy, the middle daughter spoke up. “Mother, I too, have an announcement.” “And what might that be?” asked Mother Potato. Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, “I, too, am getting married!” “You, too!” Mother Potato said with joy. “That’s wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?” “I’m marrying an Idaho,” beamed the middle daughter. “An Idaho!” said Mother Potato with joy. “Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!” Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. “Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make.” “Yes?” said Mother Potato with great anticipation. “Well,” began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, “I hope this doesn’t come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!” “Really?” said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. “All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?” “I’m marrying Dan Rather!” “DAN RATHER?!” Mother Potato scowled suddenly. “But he’s just a common tater!”
Just went in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask.
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
I work in a kitchen in a local restaurant, today I tried to start a food-fight with the other chef…
I threw some spaghetti her way, but it went right pasta.
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
Wife: whatever means necessary. Me: No it doesn't.
I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to that realization.
Tough to be Irish
"What's your name?", asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike. " Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”. "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises. "What happened to you, Mike?", she asked. "Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."
The national Origami Championship is on television tonight.
It's on paper view.
Who can drink two litres of Gas?
jerry can.
This joke is about ghosts. You wanna hear it?
That's the spirit.
I too, was once a male trapped in a female’s body….
But then I was born.
I was surprised when the coffee I ordered tasted just like mud.
The barista told me it was fresh ground.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.98, deer nuts are under a buck.
I used to be in a band called “The Hinges”
We opened for The Doors
This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be “friends with benefits”.
Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?
A cop left a nice note on my windshield to let me know I’d parked my car correctly…
It said "Parking Fine"
Why is “yacht” spelled that way instead of like “yot?”
Because why nacht.
A group of bored military officers start talking about whether sex is work or fun
The lieutenant goes first and says, "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work." Then captain responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work." Finally, the major says, "No, making love is definitely way more work than that. I would say that it is 20% fun and 80% work." They are all contemplating these revelations when a private walks by. The officers call the private over to ask his opinion. The major says, "Excuse me, private, we are having a discussion and would like your input. The lieutenant says that making love is 80% fun and 20% work. The captain says that making love is 60% fun and 40% work. I say that making love is 20% fun and 80% work. Private, what is your opinion?" The private says, "Well sir, you are all wrong. Making love must be 100% fun, because if there was any work involved, you would have me do it.
A Mexican magician said that he could disappear on the count of three. He started “unos, dos..”
But then he disappeared without a tres…
A college teacher reminds her class of the next day’s final exam.
“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!” A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?” The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly. “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”
A pregnant woman got into a car accident and was placed in a medically-induced coma.
A few days later, when the woman woke up, she noticed that was no longer pregnant and asked the doctor what happened to her baby. The doctor replies, "Congratulations, you had twins! A baby girl and baby boy!" The woman was relieved to hear this, but the doctor continued. "However, per hospital policy, we needed names for the children. Since you were unconscious, your brother named your children for you." "Oh, no!" she cried. "My brother is an idiot! What terrible names did he give my babies?" The doctor replied, "Your brother named your daughter Denise." The woman was pleasantly surprised. "That's… that's actually not bad! What did he name the boy?" "Denephew."
I put my phone under my pillow last night.
When I woke up it was gone and there was a £1 coin in it's place. Fucking Bluetooth Fairy! Edit: Thank you kind redditer for the Gold.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. So D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight!" That’s when E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight! Come on in, this could be a major development!" Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility which leads to the moral of our story: Never let a pianist tell you puns because when it comes to e-flats that are really e-minors theyre nothing but treble. They’ll bring you down, you’ll always get the e-b-g-b’s, 9 times outta 10 they’ll play it by ear, & every time they do the joke will fall flat.
What do you call a cow that works out?
Beefy my 15 year old daughter trying to emulate my sense of humor.
I bought my dad a refrigerator for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
Don’t kiss after midnight
It's not proper to kiss on a first date!
What’s the opposite of a mermaid?
Land Ho!
My social life is like the square root of -100
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
If you don’t clean your dirty hair, you’ll get a louse.
If you don't clean your house, you'll get a dirty lair.