My dad sent this to me on whatsapp
So Land O’Lakes got rid of the Native American on their package…
…But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.
Guy spits out his coffee and says to the waitress ” I dont mean to be rude, but this coffee tastes like dirt”
She replys: well yea, you told me to make sure it was fresh ground
Why does snoop dog carry an umbrella?
Fo drizzle
A husband died
A husband died. A few years later, his wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes. "Darling, oh how I've missed you!" The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says, "Woah there woman. The contract was until death."
My bedroom light just went out.
I have no idea where it's going.
What did one introvert say to the other introvert?
Absolutely nothing and they quickly parted ways
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I don’t know you, and This is my trampoline."
DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.
ME: [hesitantly] You're… an ambulance? DAD: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son […dies]
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it…
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
A friend asked me if I knew anything about 1’s and 0’s
I told him I knew a bit
If you pronounce “fuck off” backwards.
you say it in a British accent.
4 nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter is there to meet them with a bowl of Holy Water. St. Peter goes up to the first nun and says, "Have you ever touched a penis?" The first nun responds, "Yes I have. I have touched a penis with the tip of my finger." St. Peter holds out the bowl and says, "Dip your finger in this Holy Water, and be free to enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The first nun gladly follows the instruction and proceeds to enter Heaven. St. Peter goes to the second nun and again asks, "Have you ever touched a penis?" The second nun replies hesitantly, "Yes. I have touched a penis with my whole hand." St. Peter smiles and says, "Do not despair, simply dip your whole hand into the Holy Water and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The second nun quickly does as she is told and gladly steps forth into Heaven. At this point the fourth nun cuts in front of the third nun and says, "Listen, I better go next because I'm not gurgling that shit after she sticks her ass in it."
This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be “friends with benefits”.
Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?
A one-man police department was disbanded. The chief left the town meeting in his underwear
https://ift.tt/2SJYMM4
It’s understandable. He’s not used to not getting his own way all of the time.
https://ift.tt/3c8cfUm
If cows don’t have Internet, how do they order things?
From a cattle log.
The problem with kleptomaniacs…
…is that they always take things literally…
Please laugh
What's a thousand times better than Instagram? Instakilogram
How many battered wives does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just keep putting the broken one back in because it promised things would be different this time.
For protection against being called a boomer, you can now designate your generation via a user flair.
Stay safe out there.Addition sub changes:Ability to report common repostsAbility to report NSFW posts that need to be marked NSFW
I wasn’t sure what to wear to my Pre-Mature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting…
so I just came in my pants.
Dad jokes are important
They are a big part of pop culture
Want to make your water bed more bouncy?
Use, spring water.
My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.
We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong. A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were only funny to me, but that just made it even funnier to me so I continued telling all these dad jokes to her and died laughing every time. She puts up with it because she loves me. At least I thought so. We were always 100% honest with each other and I'm still shaken by the things she told me today. I sent her probably one of my worst dad jokes ever (that I stole from reddit), and she just couldn't take it anymore and told me how stupid my jokes are and that she doesn't know if she'll be able to put up with it much longer. But that's not the worst part, I actually appreciated her honesty and considered the possibility to stop with all the stupid jokes and become more serious in the relationship. The worst part is that she lied to me for the first time in all these years. I felt like I just couldn't trust her anymore and everything I thought I knew about her as a person just became questionable. I need your advice on how to react to this huge lie… She told me she's Sorry, but I know for a FACT that her name is Diane.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl urinate?
Because they have been extinct for millions of years.
Me and my girlfriend are just too different…
I exist and she doesn't
If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome…
I guess now it's clear why everybody calls me handsome.
I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said:
Fuck off, you won't bring it back
My girlfriend wanted me to fill the bathtub up with milk
I asked if she wanted it pasteurized. She said, "No, up to my tits is fine."
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman.”
He said, “Thanks dad, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
So Tekashi69 could face life in prison
Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence
