My Dad told me this one while at dinner. “You know what the leading cause of dry skin is?”
Towels.
A blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown.
She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road. "Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She picks out the cutest one. He looks at her and says "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"
So I work with a Chinese guy called Kim.
Once when we're having drinks, I asked him, "Aren't you tired of Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same? " He replied, "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife. "
This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.
Yesterday, he brought his dog along.
My friend says he’s a compulsive liar…
I don’t believe him.
I just figured out why Beyoncé’s hair is always blowing in every picture.
It is because she has so many fans.
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
In case they get a hole in one.
I was really angry when I found out that my buddy Mark stole my dictionary.
I confronted him and said, “Mark, my words!”
Life is like a penis,
it’s the women that make it hard
The minus button is missing from my calculator.
I guess it won't make any difference.
My neighbors listen to awesome music
whether they like it or not.
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN…
They become VERY ANGRY
Boyfriend asks Girlfriend
B: "If I die, will you find a new boyfriend?" G: "NOOO! I'll never be with another guy, I'll rather go and stay with my sister! What would you do if I die?" B: "I would also stay with your sister"
I saw a sign outside the gym that said “OPEN 24/7”
I thought, "How useless is that? July is ages away."
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam.
My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
A vegan once said to me, people who sell meat to eat are disgusting….
I replied, people who sell fruit and vegetables to eat are grocer
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
Anti-joke warning
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
Why didn’t the redneck leave the yoga class when it was over?
On his way out he said "see you next week". The instructor responded "namaste" , and the redneck said "Oh. Then I'm-a-stayin too".
For Halloween I’ve got a job making plastic Draculas
There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.
What do police do when there’s a fly annoying everyone in the station?
Call the swat team.
What did one cucumber seed say to the other?
We're in a bit of a pickle!
I regret not commenting enough in my early years of CS, it’s just a habit of mine now
https://ift.tt/3aw0QNJ
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, “I’m going to become a lion tamer.”
The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming." "Yes I do!" "Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?" "Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down." "Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?" "Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down." "Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?" "Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him." "Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?" "Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage." "Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?" "Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."
Why did Barbie never get pregnant?
Because Ken came in a different box
A picture went to jail today,
I think it was framed.
What do you call a 5 foot psychic that escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
Life is like a dick
it gets hard for no reason and it's much shorter than you expected it to be.
Drinking American beer is the same as having sex on a canoe.
It’s f*cking close to water.
I wanna try asking out my school crush, but it might come off as awkward
Man being a teacher is hard
I got scammed into buying fake bamboo
That day, I was bamboozled.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
