My Dad told me this one while at dinner. “You know what the leading cause of dry skin is?”
Towels.
A man is at his wife’s funeral
and a woman asks him if she can say a word. He says okay and she stands up, saying ‘Plethora’. The man replies, ‘Thanks, that means a lot’.
What do you call a cow that just had a baby?
Decaffienated
I met a man named Jim Apple the other day.
He has trouble introducing himself in France.
What sort of lights to Noah use on the Ark?
Flood lights
I for one, like Roman numerals
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How do cells multiply?
By dividing.
Well, to be Frank, i’d have to change my name
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When people think of calculators they think the buttons are the most important thing
But it's what's inside that counts
When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa…
The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad
My girlfriend says I only have 2 faults.
I don't listen and something else…
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?
The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
A guy sits down in at a bar and asks for a bowl of hot chili…
The bartender says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl". He looks over and sees that the guy has finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself". He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my things and right
I just poked myself in the eye.
I can’t see myself doing that again any time soon.
There’s radical feminist plot to attack the postal service…
They heard it was a mail dominated industry.. ( Possibility OC?)
I was robbed by 6 dwarfs today.
Not happy.
90 degrees is pretty hot for most people,
But for mathematicians, it's just right.
Why do cows wear bells around their necks?
Because their horns don’t work!
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes” I’m glad he still has his sense of humor through these tough times
Do you know why the say “be there or be square?”
Because you're not around.
I think I suffer from Kleptomania
I should probably take something for it. Edit: thanks for the gold kind stranger
I got fired from the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn't putting in enough Shifts, but it was really a lack of Control. I see this as a fresh Start, I thought I would never Escape.
What kind of bait cannot be used for fishing?
The Answer Will Shock You!
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone.
And then it dawned on me.
My wife told me to put ketchup on the shopping list, so I did
Now she's mad at me because we can't read it anymore
Why are students prohibited from playing Fortnite during school?
It would be really hard to tell where the gunshots are coming from
A 911 operator is sitting at her desk when she gets a call.
"911 What's your emergency?" She answers. "My friend and I were walking through the woods when he just collapsed. I think he died." A man responds. He is very nervous "Ok, calm down. First, make sure he's dead." The operator replies. There's a silence on the phone. Then, there's a gunshot. The man then says, "OK, now what?"
Fast Eddie
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office… But she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you'… The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!' Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.' She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend…So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all dimes!'
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares
It's nice to have some company
So my daughter is clearing the table and holds her cup above her head and says “Dad look…”
"I'm breathing underwater." I've never been prouder.
Downloaded a pirated copy of the Bohemian Rhapsody. Quality is really bad though. Low res. Dark. Blurry.
I see a little silhouetto of a man.
I find it strange how everyone suddenly cares about straws killing dolphins…
…because they've been breaking camels' backs for years.
I ordered a vault and a speaker off amazon
They arrived safe and sound
Two nuns were walking home one night down a very dark street.
One nun was called Sister Mathematical because of her gift for numbers and the other nun was called Sister Logical because of her gift for reasoning. They soon noticed that a man was following them. They would speed up, and he would speed up. They would stop, and he would stop. Sister Mathematical started to become afraid. "Oh dear…this man has been chasing us for 2.5 blocks now! What does he want?" "It's only logical," Sister Logical replied. "He wants to have his way with us." "Oh dear God!" Sister Mathematical exclaimed. They tried to move as fast as they could, but the man was gaining on them. "In 3.5 minutes, he will be upon us!" Sister Mathematical shrieked. "What do we do?" "Oh, that's logical," Sister Logical said calmly. "You and I will have to split up. You run one way to the convent, and I will join you there." Without asking another question, the nuns split up. Sister Mathematical, who could run faster, made it to the convent while the man took off after Sister Logical. A few minutes after Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent, Sister Logical entered. "Sister, I am so glad to see you," Sister Mathematical gasped. "It took you 7.6 minutes longer to get home. I was so worried! How in heaven's name did you escape?" "Oh that's logical," Sister Logical began, catching her breath. "He got to me and grabbed me. I knew what he wanted. So, I pulled up my habit." "Oh dear, Sister. Then what?" "He pulled down his pants…." "Oh, Sister…!" Sister Mathematical exclaimed. "Then what happened?!" "Well, that's logical," Sister Logical explained. "A nun with her habit up can run a lot faster than a man with his pants down!" One of my favorite jokes
Q. Why do elephants paint their toes? (some more elephant jokes)
A. So they can hide in fruit trees? Q. Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a fruit tree? A. Of course not, they're too good at it. Q. How do elephants get in to fruit trees? A. They parachute in. Q. How do you tell if an elephant is hiding in a fruit tree? A. Tickle the fruit and see if it laughs. Q. Why should you never walk through the forest on Thursdays between 2 and 4 PM? A. That's when the elephants are practicing their parachuting. Q. Why does the orangutan have a flat face? A. He ate some fruit without tickling it first. Q. Why does the beaver have a flat tail? A. Because he walked through the forest on Thursday between 2 and 4 PM. u/kickypie's hippo joke reminded me of these (https://www.reddit.com/r/cleanjokes/comments/djwf9o/why_cant_you_see_hippopotamus_hiding_in_trees/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
Went to the store to get eight cans of sprite…
When I got home, I realized I’d only picked seven up.
I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday
I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.
The creator of winrar is arrested
His trial is expected to last forever

Tech summits: the one time the men’s bathroom line exceeds the women’s ( @ silicon slopes)
https://ift.tt/31dtPSO
A guy asked a girl in a university library…
…"Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?” The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!” All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy stood and whispered in her ear, "I study law, and I know how to screw people."