My dad told me this one.
"All this LGBTQ shit is getting out of control. It wasn't like this when I was a little girl."
I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD
It was here a minute ago Edit : fixed the spelling
You should never date someone with a lazy eye
They might be seeing someone on the side
Have you all heard about the monk who claimed to see the face of jesus in a tub of margarine?
He said “i cant believe its not Buddha”
What’s the difference between a female farmer and Hitler’s girlfriend?
One bales her hay and the other hails her bae
I like my women like I like my coffee,
hot and all over my crotch when I’m driving.
I’m a 50 year old with a 20 year old body
How do I bury it
I bought an alcoholic ginger beer.
He wasn’t happy
I got a job at a construction site to drill holes
Its a boring job
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off.
I said “ son, that’s 3 schools this year… maybe teaching isn’t for you.”
Children bad for trying to help save enviroment. Wife good for doing nothing.
https://ift.tt/2qu7GS4
[NSFW] Little Johnny asked his grandfather if he could have a cookie from the cookie jar
Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?” Johnny: “No.” Grandfather: “Then no cookies for you.” A number of years later, when Johnny had grown up and was visiting his grandfather again, he asked, “Hey, can I have a beer?” Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?” Johnny: “Hell yeah!” Grandfather: “Well then go fuck yourself.”
What do I hate most about my Rubik’s Cube?
Well, I don't know where to begin.
[Possibly OC] How excited was Wendy to go to Neverland?
She was so excited that she nearly Peter Pans.
My bathroom mirror is so dirty
But I just can't see myself cleaning it
To the guy who stole my trainers and high-vis jacket…
…you can run but you can't hide!
My neighbors started makes sex videos.
They just don't know it yet.
The World Health Organization (WHO) announced that dogs cannot get Covid-19. Dogs can be released from quarantine.
So now we know “WHO let the dogs out"
Putin on a trip.
Vladimir Putin is traveling abroad. He enters the customs line, approaches the agent and is asked: Agent: age? Putin: 66 Agent: occupation? Putin: not this time, just visiting.
dating me
pros and cons of dating me pros : dating cons: me
Someone ripped some pages out of both ends of my dictionary today…
It just goes from bad to worse…
Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings
The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.” “Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.” A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “ Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
