My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid. “State of the Art,” he said, “It cost me a fortune.”
I said, “Awesome. What type is it?”
He said, “ Two thirty.”
A snake walks into a bar..
And the bartender says "how the fuck did you do that"
It’s sad that nothing is made in America anymore…
I just bought a new t.v. and it said “Built in antenna” I don’t even know where that is!
What do you call a cheap circumsision?
A rip off.
There are 10 types of people in the world
Those who understand Binary and those who don't.
My wife is happy with COVID-19. I must not kiss nor hug anybody, always keep a safe distance and avoid public places and social occasions.
To be honest, she was always happy with her Redditor husband.
Wife’s best friend: how come you never buy her flowers?
Me: I didn’t even know she was selling flowers
There’s only 1 rule in learning English
1.) Their our know rules
How do you get a Redditor to open a post?
No text found
What did Helen Keller say when she put down the cheese grater?
That was the most violent book I've ever read.
If Sarah Sanders thinks it is safe to be out in public, perhaps she could lead by example
https://ift.tt/3ayAl9K
What do you call Hitler speeding?
The Fast and the Fuherous.
Met an older lady at a bar last night.
She wasn't bad for a 55, we drank and flirted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter combo. I said,"No. But it's my secret fantasy." We drank a bit more, then she said that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs, "Mom! you still awake?"
When science helps you with your impatience but also makes you never work on it.
https://ift.tt/2VPdBOW
I hate sausage puns. They are the wurst.
No text found
4 nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter is there to meet them with a bowl of Holy Water. St. Peter goes up to the first nun and says, "Have you ever touched a penis?" The first nun responds, "Yes I have. I have touched a penis with the tip of my finger." St. Peter holds out the bowl and says, "Dip your finger in this Holy Water, and be free to enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The first nun gladly follows the instruction and proceeds to enter Heaven. St. Peter goes to the second nun and again asks, "Have you ever touched a penis?" The second nun replies hesitantly, "Yes. I have touched a penis with my whole hand." St. Peter smiles and says, "Do not despair, simply dip your whole hand into the Holy Water and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The second nun quickly does as she is told and gladly steps forth into Heaven. At this point the fourth nun cuts in front of the third nun and says, "Listen, I better go next because I'm not gurgling that shit after she sticks her ass in it."
Why did the tomato quit his job?
Because they weren't paying him a good enough monthly celery.
Sex therapists claim that the best way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears.
Personally I think it’s nuts.
A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. There was dead silence… the rest of the year went quite smoothly.
Teach a man a joke, and he will laugh for a day.
Teach a redditor a joke, and they will repost it for a lifetime. It's cake and y'all know the rules!
Pickup line to use at the a hairdresser…
"…excuse me miss, do you comb hair often?"
German Dream
We were talking about the American dream in class and the teacher said to a German boy if he had a German dream. He said, "We did but no-one liked it."
Tap this for a little known fact!
ᴷⁿᵒʷⁿ ᶠᵃᶜᵗ
Why wasn’t infinity war a vegan movie?
Because everything was at steak
My 6 month old son has his first milk shake today.
My wife was breastfeeding him during the earthquake.
Congress will never impeach Donald Trump.
Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
Here is joke about Canada don’t take it seriously
Credits to u/commonschemeforyou God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world" The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their neighbour is"
Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger’s leg…
You could hear them say: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??
I wasn’t sure what to wear to my Pre-Mature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting…
so I just came in my pants.
I’m happy for Nintendo’s success.
It's like a switch went off in their head a few years ago…
I made a chicken salad today.
Stupid bird wasn’t even grateful.
The girl with the big booty and a lisp wasn’t at work
She must have called in thick
Insulting bus driver.
A woman got on a bus, holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
My son just asked me, “Can we pick my friend up?”
Me: I dunno. How heavy is she? Son: In a car dad This happened only moments ago. You can't just softball 'em in like that, son.
What do an Amsterdam woman and Saudi woman have in common?
They both get stoned after sex
An ancient mathematical joke
https://ift.tt/2NzJIMz
My cousin is mute and likes to communicate via embroidery
I guess it's a version of sign language, sew to speak
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
Let’s go play on our bikes.