My dad was repairing something, I couldn’t see what it is. So i asked: “what is that?”
"Broken" he sayd…
I saw a radio for sale today for $1. Sign said its stuck on full volume.
I thought to myself "well I can't turn that down!"
Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol?
Police think it is race-related
A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm.
When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven. Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder… "Want to make a bet while we wait?" The Gambler asks. "If I can guess your last words in three tries, you have to let me cut ahead of you." The old man, having nothing better to do, agrees. Immediately, the gambler begins "reading" him like the pro player he is. He notices the elderly Asian man's shirt is open, exposing a pair of defibrillator marks. "Don't be silly, it's just indigestion." the gambler remarks. The old man looks a bit surprised, then steps aside, giving up his place in line. Next, the gambler taps on a redneck's shoulder. He makes the same bet, and the redneck also accepts. "This one's easy!" the gambler smirks, sizing up the bruised, bloody, grass stained redneck with the caved in skull. "Hold my beer!" Muttering profanities, the redneck begrudgingly steps aside and gives up his place in line. Riding the high of a hot streak, the gambler wastes no time tapping the next man ahead of him on the shoulder. He quickly makes the same bet, and is ecstatic when the agreement is made. "Okay, let's see…" The gambler studies the new mark carefully. He's a large, imposing black man riddled with several bullet holes. The gambler holds his hand out like a gun. "You ain't taking me alive!" The man shakes his head. Wrong. The gambler strokes his chin. The guy is giving him nothing else to work with. The gambler holds the 'gun' sideways, makes a mean face, and shouts, "Fuck the police!" Wrong again. The gambler's getting frustrated, now. He's never been unable to read someone before. Finally, the gambler throws his hands in the air. "I'VE GOT NOTHING!" He shouts. "I GIVE UP!" The man steps aside.
Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.
First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows." Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows." Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows." Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp. First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend." Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting. First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish — let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."
A newly deceased Englishman, stands at the pearly gates
St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. The Englishman, decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he goes with this woman, pretending to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend the Scotsman, up ahead – with an even uglier woman. When he asks what’s going on, the Scotsman replies “I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money.” They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now the Englishman, and Scotsman, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend the Irishman up ahead. This man is with an absolutely gorgeous blonde supermodel. Stunned, the Englishman, and Scotsman approach the man and discover it is their friend the Irishman. They ask him how it is he’s with this unbelievable goddess, while they’re stuck with these god-awful women. The Irishman replies “I have no idea, but I’m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can’t seem to understand. Everytime we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself “Fucking income tax”
Shooting tips
A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. The cowboy walked over to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great gunfighter. "Could you give me some tips?" he asked. The old man said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high — tie the holster a little lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "Sure will." The young man did as he was told, then stood up, whipped out his .44, and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" exclaimed the cowboy. "Got any more tips?" "Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it — that'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff link off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy excitedly, "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that can of axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, the handle, and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the puzzled young man. "No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt near as much."
Where did Noah put the bees?
In the Ark hives.
Everybody knows there are words only black people can say, but what can only white people say?
"Thanks for the warning, officer."
What has 12 Legs, 12 hands and 12 Eyes?
12 Pirates
I saw a sign that said ‘do not touch’, however there was something weird about the sign….
I couldn't put my finger on it….
A cowboy appears before St. Peter.
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you" Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?" "Couple of minutes ago."
My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple
Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes
The elevator to heaven has been broken for 8 hours.
Can God create a lift on which he can't wait?
One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.
Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe." Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."
My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.
Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!” “You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied. Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.” “Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number?”
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday
Those were the days
A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper.
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. “Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?” Moshe replied, “I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!”
Why did the dog go to college?
To get its pedigree.
What do you call a horse with no nose?
A yes horse.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water.
The wage gap isn’t real
Men just go for higher paying jobs like doctor, CEO, lawyer ect. Where as women pick lower paying jobs like female doctor, female lawyer, and female CEO
Friends are like snowflakes:
When you pee on them, they disappear
Today I wished my dad a Happy Father’s Day.
His response: “Thanks son. I couldn’t have done it without you!” Happy Father’s Day!!
A man came home to discover that someone had stolen all his lamps.
He was delighted.
A Man Driving Down The Street Sees a Penguin
Apologies in advanced for spelling and grammar as I’m on my phone. A man is driving down the street and sees a penguin on the side of the road. Curious he decides to pull over and pick it up. About that time a local police officer sees the two of them and decides to pull behind him as he’s loading the penguin up. “Just what do you think you’re doing with that penguin?” The officer demands “I haven’t a clue what to do with him I just saw him on the side of the road and figured I’d pick him up” The man replied “Well I suggest you take him straight to the zoo!” The officer suggested. So the man agrees and takes off heading toward the zoo. The next day the officer is at his post when he sees the same guy in the same car driving by with the same penguin. He immediately hits the flashers and pulls the man over. “Hey pal I thought I made it clear yesterday to take this penguin straight to the zoo!” The officer stated “Yeah we did that yesterday, today I’m taking him to the ball game”
What part of the body dies last?
The pupils… because they dilate.
What part of the body dies last?
The pupils, they dilate
Why are old people so wrinkled?
Ever try to iron one?
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I said, I don't hate your relatives, in fact, I like your mother in law a lot more than I like mine
Why do Italians love soccer?
Because half way through, they get to switch sides.
How do you learn how to talk to a lady?
Ask your mother
I bought two left hand gloves
On one hand it feels great, on the other hand, not so much