My dad’s answer to everything was alcohol.
He wasn’t a drunk, just awful with crosswords.
"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit."
You never turn your back on your family.
I mean he just blew up overnight.
It becomes theiranium.
I like them alot. EDIT: Thank you all for the upvotes. EDIT2: Thank you for the gold kind stranger!
Because their horns don’t work. (I can’t imagine this isn’t a repost, so delete if need be)
It's better to use your fingers
He replied, "Well, yeah. 'Spigoted."
One, we are efficient and devoid of humor
…except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.
I think that something scary is about to happen, I can feel it.
19 and 20 got into a fight. 21.
Noble gasses don't cause a reaction
All that money, and nothing to chauffeur it.
One is a crusty bus station, and one is a busty crustacean.
That’s not a good sign.
My girlfriend said to me, “I’m sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up.”
I said, "Good idea – we can cover more ground that way!"
Nice to meat — ew!
It was a brief case…
Because they "Literally. Can't. Even."
But when I do, he laughs.
There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream! “What was that?” she asks. “Oh, don’t worry about that,” says Saint Peter, “It’s just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo.” A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before. “What was that?!” she asked anxiously. “Oh ,don’t worry,” says Saint Peter soothingly, “It’s just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings.” The lady starts to back away. “Where are you going?” asks Saint Peter. “I think I’ll go downstairs, if it’s all the same to you,” says the lady. “But you can’t go there,” says the saint, “You’ll be raped and sodomized!” “It’s OK,” says the lady, “I’ve already got the holes for that.”
They’re charging me with tacks evasion.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room…. "Why are you down here at this time of night!?" The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses……. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?" "I remember that, too" she replied softly… He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."
Looking at it now, I see why.
So they can beat the crowd.