My dads best one yet
My family were on vacation and we were going on a hike. We had been walking for a little over an hour when my sister she had something in her shoe that was bothering her.
She asked us to stop so she could take it out and my dad excitedly agreed. I was super confused as to why he seemed so excited, so I stopped as well.
My sister sat down, took off her shoe, and my dad gasped dramatically.
“Oh my god! There was a foot in your shoe.”
He proceeded to laugh himself to tears, while I laughed at his reaction to his own dad joke.
I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night…
Not happy !
What’s an opinion without 3.14?
An onion
I don’t just play soccer cause I like the sport.
I’m just in it for kicks.
My neighbor shingled my roof for free
He said it was on the house
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman
Customer: "cargo space?" Me: " no, car no fly, car go roads" Manager: " can I see you in my office?"
A man goes to a brothel.
The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked. The man replied, "I wan to see Valerie." "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else" said the madam. He replied, "No, I must see Valerie." Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $5000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row." "Where are you from?" The man replied, " New Brunswick ." "Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick ." "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney." "She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
![[OC] Guess The Pun #48 – Watch the sideeye, Sass-lan…](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/no_image_card-37-400x247.png)
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t have possibly been named before him
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and no one raises an eyebrow.
So I was building a fence the other day
It went up without any problems, but I was worried the whole time that it would insult me. because it was so offensive.
I never quite understood dolphins…
I mean, what’s their porpoise?
When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.
Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when he was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it!
Amazing Team Player
The interviewer calls the candidate for the interview. The candidate enters and gives his resume. The interviewer takes a look and mentions that he is going to peruse through it. The interviewer starts reading through the projects and sees that he single-handedly led all his teams. He commends him on the same. He looks again and sees that one of his main characteristics is a good team player. He is confused and asks him "It says here that you are a team but you single-handedly led most teams. Isn't that contradictory?" The candidate smiles and says "If everyone in the team likes to work with me, I am a good team player, right?" The interviewer says "Yes" "Well, I am the only person on the team and I like working with me"
Why didn’t the cow’s post get any upvotes?
[remooved]
Two wind turbines in a field
One turns to the other and says "what kind of music are you into?" The other one replies "I'm a big metal fan"
My friend refused to believe he was gay and a dyslexic.
He was in Daniel.
I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
Do you know why programers prefer dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs.
What are the letters in the Pirate alphabet?
I, I, R, and the seven Cs.
There are only two types of people worse than racists
The blacks and the jews
People say i look better without glasses
But i just can't see it.
People with diarrhoea are easy-going…
No text found
If there’s an emergency at your Game of Thrones viewing party
You should go to Daenerys exit.
An old wealthy jew is dying and decides to dictate his will
He bequeaths his vast fortune to his two sons. However, the sensible and hard-working Moshe only gets one tavern, while the dissolute drunkard Yasha gets everything else. The rabbi, who came to visit the dying man, tries to instruct him to the path of wisdom: "It's none of my business, of course… It's your money and your sons… But Yasha will drink away all your fortune in six months!!!" "Correct. But where would he drink it away if there is only one tavern in town?"
My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
Words cannot express…
…how limited my vocabulary is.
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night” She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.” “Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.” She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
If you lock up your girlfriend and dog in the trunk of a car for an hour…
which one is gonna be happy to see you when you open it up?
Arguing with my wife is like reading a software license agreement
In the end, I ignore it all and click "I agree".
Why do cows have hooves?
Because they lactose.
I threw an iPhone into a lake the other day
It's still syncing
Why doesn’t 7 have any frends?
he's odd.
