My dads corona virus meme
A chicken pie in jamaica costs £2.00 A chicken pie in trinidad costs £2.15 A chicken pie in st kitts costs. £2.30
These are the pie-rates of the carribean
If you take something, that’s one thing
If you take something else, that’s another thing
Did you hear Homer Simpson is a martial Arts instructor?
He teaches Taekwon D'oh!
Why do cemeteries have walls and fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in! (My dad told me this one when we drove past a cemetery one day lol)
What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?
Micro trans-action
A politician uses statistics like a drunk uses a street light.
For support, rather than illumination.
My grief counsellor died the other day..
But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.
Never Trust Someone With Graph Paper…
They're always plotting something.
My friend refused to believe he was gay and a dyslexic.
He was in Daniel.
What did the redditor say when he won the olympics?
Edit: Thanks for the gold!
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
They are really good at it.
I’ve been asking people what LGBTQ is
Nobody will give me a straight answer
Why don’t Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they make the toys.
We were going to have chicken for supper, but ended up having rabbit.
It was a game changer.
Prove us wrong, Sen. Kelly Loeffler, wife of the chairman of the New York Stock Exchange
https://ift.tt/3fCrkjN
You know Mexican jokes and black jokes are all the same,
Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.
How do you know when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.
I love jokes about monorails.
Those are my favourite one liners.
You know what is really odd?
Numbers not divisible by 2
My dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
What do you call a dad joke that’s matured?
All groan up.
A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.
When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
What does Donald Trump’s hair and a thong have in common?
They both barely cover the asshole. EDIT: I leave this up for a few hours and 500 upvotes already?! Thanks everyone! EDIT 2: WOW! MY FIRST MEDAL EVER! THANK YOU KIND REDDIT STRANGER!
I started a dating site for older people.
OK Boomer Edit: well holy fuck 7 upvotes and I got my first gold. Not sure what I’ll do with it. But thank you kind stranger.
I asked my girlfriend to come to the gym with me and she didn’t turn up
I guess the two of us aren’t going to work out
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
I’ll tell ya later
How to die from falling down the stairs:
Step 1, Step 2, Step 4, Step 9, Step 22, Step 23,
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus
Last St. Patrick’s Day I went out drinking, had a bit too much so I took a bus home.
That may be no big deal to you, but I'd never driven a bus before.
I gently slid her panties to the left…
So that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer
On a plane is full of Redditors, a man starts having a heart attack.
One of the flight attendants notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?” Immediately, five people stand up and say "I'm not a doctor, but…
I’m best friend’s with 25 letters of the alphabet
I don't know why
Why can’t Kylie Jenner ever see her dad?
He’s transparent
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come into port, they can scan-da-navy-in
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle??
A polar bear
Why are there two “d”s in reddit?
The second ones is a repost like this joke
Actual conversation today. My wife: “i’m tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?”
Me: I don't know. Emerg? Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine? Me: Sleep medicine? Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need? Me: Probably night school. edit: yes, I know it's an awful dad joke, but it happened on the fly and its the greatest thing i've ever accomplished, so please, let me have it.
I ran out of toilet paper, so have begun using old newspapers…
Times are rough.