My daily routine
What’s the difference between North Korea and the US?
North Koreans can’t tell if their leader is seriously dead. Americans can’t tell if their leader is dead serious.
“Dad, whose music did you listen to when growing up?”
Dad: Led Zeppelin. Son: Who? Dad: Yes. They were good too.
Hmmm, doesn’t quite work when you’re still standing two foot next to each other.
https://ift.tt/2JK3nIV
I was telling my wife how sometimes I feel really high and sometimes I feel really low.
"Dear, get off the swing" she said.
How would a stoner propose to another stoner?
Marriage-you-wanna?
Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn’t really exist…
…we would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.
Did you know vampires arent real?
Unless you Count Dracula
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.
She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.” She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?” She says, “A hundred dollars.” He says, “All I got is thirty”. She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?” “A hand job”, Harry reply. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE… She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.” She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”
Why are keyboards always awake?
Because they have 2 shifts.
Why did the train go to the sauna?
To blow off some steam 🙅♂️🚂
Donating a kidney makes you somebody’s hero.
Donating 5 makes you a suspect
Some strange person dumped a bunch of legos on my front door step this morning.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work.
Like 1/3 of the posts on this sub are funny
Just because it’s made be a baby boomer doesn’t make it bad
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
My sister bet me I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti…
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
![SALUTE ME WHILE I STEAL FROM THIS ARTIST [Credit to u/evalinee on r/im14andthisisdeep]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/mlg3izzk87j21-400x515.png)
I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day.
All it was doing was collecting dust.
It is hard to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
Little known fact…Before the invention of the crowbar
crows did all their drinking at home.
A cop sees a car driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason and so on
He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it. Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!" Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much…" Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"
My friend just had an orgasm after she started thinking reasonably…
She came to her senses!
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant
My buddy is really upset at losing a promotion at work to an attractive, older woman.
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled MILF.”
I phoned my work this morning and said, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.”
He said, “You have a wee cough?” I said, “Really? Thanks boss, see you next week!”
In 2015, none of us got the answer right to
"where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
None of my neighbours seems to know their router comes with modifyable settings.
https://ift.tt/2x9Gj3k
Sign outside strip club shuttered due to COVID-19:
“Sorry, we’re clothed.”
The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven
St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is. The Pope: "I am the pope." St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book." The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth." St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me …" The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church …" St. Peter: "The Catholic church … Never heard of it … Wait, I'll check with the boss." St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God. St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth." God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of … Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus) Jesus: "Yes Dad, what's up?" God and St. Peter explain the situation. Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow." Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing. Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
After a couple of weeks of trying, my wife just told me that she was pregnant!
She has the worst stutter ever.
Are you pissed?
Wife: Not necessarily. Me: Ok. So you are pissed but, unnecessarily?
Apparently I snore so loud
That it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
I heard my son say his first words to me today…
where have you been for the last 20 years?
I’m so excited to finally get a dad bod
It's the first time I've ever had a father figure
A man dies, and wakes up on a beach…
There are girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. "Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented… What's that about?" "Oh," Satan says, "that´s for the Christians, they want it that way."
The people from Stockholm in Sweden must really love it there
They never seem to leave
Eric is looking for a new desk for his office and he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop window. He goes inside and asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
“That desk is going for £2000,” says the shopkeeper. “$2000 for an old desk? That’s outrageous!” exclaims Eric. “Ah,” says the shopkeeper, “but this is a magic desk.” He turns to the desk and asks, “Desk, how much money do I have in my pocket?” The desk taps one of its legs on the floor four times. The shopkeeper turns out his pocket and, sure enough, there are four pound coins there. “Wow, that’s pretty cool,” says Eric. “Alright, desk, how much money does my wife have in her bank account?” At this, the desk goes wild, manically banging all four of its legs up and down repeatedly for over five minutes non-stop. “Damn, where did she get all that from?” asks Eric. The desk’s legs slide apart and its drawers fall down.