My daughter came home from school screaming at me
"I’ve just had sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before marriage, my boyfriend will die!"
I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
The kids will never play Monopoly with us again.
But I think it's just a big waist of space. Edit: Sorry for the bad pun, but you gotta give it at least 3 stars.
Customer: "cargo space?" Me: " no, car no fly, car go roads" Manager: " can I see you in my office?"
He was disqualified.
…it made a bolt for the door.
Acquaintance: Why the hell is he called Mayo? He’s not even white! Mayo: [neighs]
It got toad away.
It’s about time!
I haven’t heard from him since…
I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies: "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says: "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly: "No, I’m your son’s teacher."
Been dating the same girl for 5yrs and I always keep her picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I take out my wallet and stare at her picture. And it comforts me knowing that if I can survive being in a relationship with this psychopath, I can survive anything.
..that the doctors really screwed up my mouth surgery.
One takes things literally and the other takes things, literally.
Because they are so good at it.
The women plan to buy another one, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
certain circumstances. only funny
Her: It’s Hume. Me: Sorry, whom is your favorite philosopher?
The details are pretty sketchy and the reports are saying it ended in a draw
I have selfish steam issues.
Baby: Mommy. Dad: No. Say daddy. Baby: Mommy. Dad: Fuck! Say daddy! Baby: Fuck! Dad: What did you say? Baby: Fuck! Mom: I'm home! Baby: Fuck! Mom: What? Where did you hear that? Baby: Daddy.
It’s called a “Kilt” because I kilt the last man who called it a skirt. Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order. A lot of people wonder what a true Scotsman wears under his kilt, but don't ask him: he'll not tell ya, he'll show ya. In Scotland, we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. For even though we might lose some of our southern cities, at least we'll get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown. 🙂
A non-prophet organization! 😂😂
Me: No shit. I'm constipated.
…But then I thought, "Na, they've probably heard it before."
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
But her aim is getting better!