My daughter came home from school screaming at me
"I’ve just had sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before marriage, my boyfriend will die!"
I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”
Don’t be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
My wife was in jail, so I decided to go in for a conjugal visit.
The kids will never play Monopoly with us again.
Some people really like Orion’s Belt
But I think it's just a big waist of space. Edit: Sorry for the bad pun, but you gotta give it at least 3 stars.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman
Customer: "cargo space?" Me: " no, car no fly, car go roads" Manager: " can I see you in my office?"
Sorry next generation, previous generation told current generation it was okay..
https://ift.tt/31VbTvZ
A limbo champion walked into a bar.
He was disqualified.
Bought a dog from a blacksmith and as soon as I got it home…
…it made a bolt for the door.
Me: This is my horse, Mayo!
Acquaintance: Why the hell is he called Mayo? He’s not even white! Mayo: [neighs]
What happened to the frogs car when it broke down?
It got toad away.
My book on clocks finally arrived
It’s about time!
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf…
I haven’t heard from him since…
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him…
She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies: "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says: "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly: "No, I’m your son’s teacher."
Been dating the same girl for 5yrs.
Been dating the same girl for 5yrs and I always keep her picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I take out my wallet and stare at her picture. And it comforts me knowing that if I can survive being in a relationship with this psychopath, I can survive anything.
What’s it called when a hooker farts?
A prosti-toot
A voice at the back of my head keeps telling me…
..that the doctors really screwed up my mouth surgery.
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
One takes things literally and the other takes things, literally.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are so good at it.
A blonde and a redhead head into their ranch and find their bull is missing
The women plan to buy another one, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
What do you call an emo accapello group?
Self Harmony
Wasn’t sure if I should post this, since it’s only funny under certain circumstances.
certain circumstances. only funny
Me, trying to sound smart: So, who is your favorite philosopher?
Her: It’s Hume. Me: Sorry, whom is your favorite philosopher?
Two cartoonists fought each other to death and the police are investigating
The details are pretty sketchy and the reports are saying it ended in a draw
Whenever I go to a sauna, I must have the whole thing to my self…
I have selfish steam issues.
Dad: Say daddy
Baby: Mommy. Dad: No. Say daddy. Baby: Mommy. Dad: Fuck! Say daddy! Baby: Fuck! Dad: What did you say? Baby: Fuck! Mom: I'm home! Baby: Fuck! Mom: What? Where did you hear that? Baby: Daddy.
Scottish Humor
It’s called a “Kilt” because I kilt the last man who called it a skirt. Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order. A lot of people wonder what a true Scotsman wears under his kilt, but don't ask him: he'll not tell ya, he'll show ya. In Scotland, we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. For even though we might lose some of our southern cities, at least we'll get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown. 🙂
What do you call an atheist church?
A non-prophet organization! 😂😂
Wife: I haven’t seen you use the bathroom all week
Me: No shit. I'm constipated.
I was going to share a joke about sodium on here…
…But then I thought, "Na, they've probably heard it before."
I’m reading a horror book written in braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
My ex-wife still misses me
But her aim is getting better!
