My daughter got scared when she had her first period
I told her it was an ovary action.
To be frank
I’ll have to change my name.
Do you remember the 21st night of September?
I remember it like it was yesterday.
A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper.
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. “Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?” Moshe replied, “I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!”
My wife forgot the code to her luggage, but I managed to figure it out.
You can say…. I solved the case.
Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person
"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945
What do you call a cube with many friends?
A platonic solid
The new sex position is called Brexit:
It's when you promise to pull out but you don't:
Tap this for a little known fact!
ᴷⁿᵒʷⁿ ᶠᵃᶜᵗ
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
What do you call an army of babies?
An infantry.
The year is 1939, and the USSR is invading Finland.
The Soviet army is marching through the Finnish swamps when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill: "I bet one Finn can beat ten Soviets!" The Soviet officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of shooting they hear the voice again: "I bet one Finn can beat a hundred Soviets!" The officer, now enraged, sends a hundred soldiers to silence this cocky Finn. A few minutes of shooting and screaming later, the voice shouts again: "I bet one Finn can beat a thousand Soviets!" The officer is now absolutely furious with this enemy, but knows that nobody could possibly beat 1000 soldiers alone, so he accepts the challenge once more and sends 1000 of his men. Nearly 15 minutes of shooting, screaming, and bright flashes later, a lone Soviet soldier comes crawling back over the hill with severe burns, covered in blood and half of his leg mangled. Panicked, he yells to his comrades: "Don't go up there! It's a trap! There are actually two of them!"
Why do dice prefer to be in groups of two?
Because then it's a pair-a-dice
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear Sir, We have terminated your internet service due to illegal copyright violation practices. Sincerely, Your ISP
What’s the 9 letters of the pirate alphabet? (CORNY ALERT)
R, I, and the seven c’s (Say aloud) XD this made me laugh, hope it brightens your day
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.' The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!" 'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..
What do you call 20 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hairline.
what the difference between a snowman and a snowoman?
the snow balls
I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.
I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.
I dropped some tortilla chips and some cheese the other day.
My wife asked if I needed help to clean it up. I said don't worry it's nacho problem.
My band is called 999 megabytes. We don’t have any gigs.
No text found
What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law?
Outlaws are wanted.
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise….
My boss asked “what companies? “ Gas, water and electricity.
What sound does a 747 airplane make when it bounces?
Boeing, Boeing, Boeing
I was scheduled to teach a course in Origami, but then decided to give up.
Too much paperwork.
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You're too young to smoke.
Mating Bull
A man takes his wife to the stock show. As they start heading down the alley that had all the bulls, they come up to the first bull's stall and the sign in the stall read: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year. You could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign read: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month! You can learn from this one, too." They proceeded to the last bull whose sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and she says, "WOW! This one mated 365 times last year. That's ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask his owner if it was 365 times with the same cow."
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to do 34.5
She asked "what's that?" I said "it's like 69 but you do all the work"
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
"Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"