My daughter hates soup alphabet, but when I am feeding her, I am saying she loves it.
I guess I am putting words in her mouth.
It was just soda grading
I don't know y.
One is a crusty bus station The other is a busty crustacean
In case they need to draw blood
I'm not ever buying any more baby oil.
She said: To stop seeing the same joke over and over in r/jokes. Oh, and also fuck you.
Pupils, coz they dilate.
…prove that you're second to nun.
Personally I’m on the fence.
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter
A whim away a whim away a whim away
Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
I just think he’s mean.
Boss: "Certainly not!" Assistant: "Thank you so much sir."
Now whenever someone tries to shake his hand he says "Don't you dare touch my thermos tat!"
it was dead
It's so refreshing
I know, it sounds a little far fetched.
Then they call me ugly, and poor.
She replied, "Aisle B, back!"
Guess who’s come crawling back
Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn. That should make the cremation a little more interesting.
…and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.” “Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend… FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my passion. And, I think I may have wailed like a banshee. More than once. And me legs was all wibbly wobbly, even the next mornin’. But, I know that makin’ love to me boyfriend before marriage is a sin, and I’ve come seekin’ absolution. The priest sits back, rubs his forehead, and looks at the young lass and says, “Right. What I need for you to do is go down to Mr. O’Malley’s market and get four good sized lemons. Go home, cut them in half, and squeeze the juice into a nice tall glass and drink in down straight away.” The girl looks at the priest with a confused look and asks, “ Will that absolve me of me sin, Father?” “NO, but it’ll wipe the smile off yer face!”
It just isn’t on the same level as homemade and restaurant food
They'll get over it.
Those damn moose limbs.
He couldn’t see that well.
Dad: Hey I was just at the gas station and this lady next to me was filling up her car with gas and then she spilled like half a gallon Me: Oh jeez Dad: Yeah I know anyway she opened her door to get something to wipe it up with cause the station had nothing and then this huge Rot Weiler ran out of the car and licked up a bunch of gas then ran away and the lady was Freaking out so I ran across the street to grab the dog and I finally caught up to him and he started walking in a circle and then just collapsed Me: Oh my god what happened Dad: He ran out of gas
To get to the other side!
It may, Fri 10 you.
My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.
I can tell you I nearly shit her pants
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blonde hair…
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes
It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.
Now it's aware wolf
I haven’t heard from him since
A little boy came running up to me and pleaded, “Please help! My daddy is in a fight!” I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, “Which one’s your dad?!”
He shouted, "I don't know! That's what they're fighting about!"
Ninety-five year old Caroline died a virgin. Her last request stated that her headstone should read: "Here lies Caroline, born a virgin, died a virgin" The stone-cutter had a busy day, and made a shorter version, reading: "Caroline, returned unopened"
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I’m the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious desert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want! Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back, towel me dry, and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?” The wife replied, “The fucking funeral director would be my first guess!”
Because when they left the old country, immigration officers put a sticker on their lapel that read To NY.
So I started practicing my chess skills the other day. I've played against myself over 100 times! I'm pretty sure it's working! I haven't lost a single game yet
The librarian points him towards the non-friction section.