My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle
I responded, “That’s not right.”
With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle.
“Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”
How do you tell the difference between someone from Dubai and someone from Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones. People from Abu Dhabi do.
The bigger your feet, the bigger your dick. The bigger your car, the smaller your dick.
No wonder we're all terrified of clowns
What do you call a knight with no foreskin?
Sir-cumcised
I told my teenage niece to go get me a newspaper…
She laughed at me, and said, "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
Relationships are a lot like algebra.
Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
Peeing yourself in public is like being in Love
Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates
Why did the wizard seductively kiss his girlfriend below the jawline?
He was a neck romancer.
What did the hat say to the scarf?
You hang around here, I’ll go on ahead.
Why don’t cows jump over electric fences?
It would be an udder disaster
Einstein finally developed a theory about space…
It was about time too! badoom chaaaa
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He ate his food before it was cool.

Imagine Convincing Someone From The Past That These Are Actual Headlines From 2019
https://ift.tt/2NoXPGg
Two men were washed ashore during World War I.
Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates. To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their location in about two weeks. The older soldier shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship to try and repair it. "You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" the young soldier scoffed. The older man shrugged. "It's better than a fortnight."
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back
I’ve heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.
Is this Trudeau?
What lies on the ground 100ft in the air?
A dead centipede
Taking things literally
is stealing.
If I have twin daughters I’ll name one Kate,
and the other duplikate.
MY SO left me because I’m too insecure
Oh wait nvm, she's back. Just went to go to the bathroom.
Wait if the sex of a baby is determined by the father’s sperm …
…does that make semen gender-fluid?
What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A-mean-o-acid
Why do people never eat clocks?
Because it’s really time consuming.
Why wasn’t Cinderella allowed to play soccer?
Because she kept running away from the ball
How many cooks does it take to stuff a turkey?
Only one, but you really have to squeeze them in…
I asked my friend how much getting a vasectomy changed his sex life.
He said there was a vas deferens.
What did the fisherman say to the magician?
Pick a Cod, any Cod
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in the jeans.
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula