My daughter is dropping some weird hints
I lost my notes I was writing for my book called “1,001 ways to cure an itch.”
Guess I'll have to start from scratch.
The US is to surpass China and Italy in the coming week for most COVID-19 cases in the world
https://ift.tt/2UFKRq3
My friend told me a coronavirus joke…
…but I still haven’t gotten it.
How do you make it so no one gets offended at the Christmas song “Baby It’s Cold Outside”?
Rebrand it as a rap song and name it, "Yo Bitch, It's Freezing Outside."
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
Why couldn’t the toilet paper walk down the sidewalk?
It got stuck in the cracks. (Made up by my 10 year old.)
I may have gone overboard helping my 7th grade daughter with her science project video.
https://youtu.be/22ekP1YaHVg
My friend just had an orgasm after she started thinking reasonably…
She came to her senses!
My mom was telling dadjokes
He laughed
Murphy’s Law states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But do you know what Cole’s Law is?
It's a side dish made from thinly sliced cabbage.
The other day I bought a thesaurus, but when I got home and opened it, all the pages were blank
I have no words to describe how angry I am
If you push the envelope…
…is it still stationary?
Doctor: Sorry sir.. Your DNA is reversed.
Man: AND ?
What did the mute man say to the bartender?
No text found
Today was terrible.
My ex got hit with a bus and I lost my job as a bus driver.
I proposed to a mime today,
"Will you mirror me?" She was speechless.
My wife and I were sitting at a table
at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed. Edit: My first award! Thanks!
I thought my son was spending way too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
The next Minecraft movie will be a blockbuster
No text found
My wife asked me if I thought our kids are spoiled
I told her, "no, I think all kids smell like that."
A new Navy recruit has just been assigned to his first submarine…
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
I’ve washed my hands so many times this week
That I revealed cheat notes from a calculus test from 1972
Too real
Too real
Who can drink two litres of gasoline?
Jerry can.
My doctors name is Peter Parker.
But I just call him Web MD.
I bought some bug spray.
Every time I pull the trigger grasshoppers fly out.
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A do-you-think-he-saurus
I was never good at telling dad jokes
Probably because he was never around
They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.