My daughter was trying to convince me that the dress she was going out in wasn’t slutty,
but I saw right through it.
GF: Really? Me: Yes. George Foreman: How so?
I got 48,500 matches.
Unfortunatley, I didn't impress anyone at the cremation…
He’s become a Mister E…
When they go there they see he is chopping wood and carrying it all by himself. He is active and healthy and has a body of a forty year old man. They ask him "What is your secret?" and the old man tells them a story: "Seventy years ago, there was a huge blizzard that came out of nowhere. It was winter, but it wasn't too cold for a week and it was only lightly snowing when suddenly the wind started blowing and the snowing intensified. I went outside to call my dog when I barely saw a weak light coming from the woods. Surely someone got lost and was now trying to find a way to safety. I started calling for my dog, but I knew the lost person would hear me. Sure enough, the light started getting stronger and stronger until finally I could see a silhouette of a man holding a flashlight. When he came close enough, I ran to help him. You couldn't see more than twenty feet and I didn't want to risk getting myself lost as well. I helped the man get inside the cabin and my dog ran in few seconds later. I closed the door with great difficulty because the wind was blowing so hard. I then helped the man get his jacket and boots off and sat him next to the fireplace. The man was in shock but without injuries. I poured both of us a glass of whiskey to calm down and then a bowl of stew I was preparing. The man calmed down and started thanking me. He said he really thought he was a dead man until he heard me calling my dog. He gathered last bits of his energy and walked towards the voice. When we finished eating, we decided to both go to bed. But I only had one bed so we would have to share. No problem, we thought, because it was very cold, and our bodies would keep each other warm. Well, one thing lead to another and we started touching each other, then kissing and then making love. Even though we were both exhausted from what happened, we made love the whole night and that was the most passionate love I ever made in my life. In the morning, the weather cleared up and after breakfast, the man put on his jacket, gathered his things and said he had to go. His wife and three children were expecting him and must be mortified because he didn't come home. He then gave me the juiciest kiss on the cheeks and left. I watched him go and realized I didn't even ask his name. That was the last time I saw him." The TV crew looked at each other in shock and after a few seconds one of them said: "No, we meant what is your secret for long and active life." "Oh, that?" the man said, "Clean air, regular exercise, healthy food, no stress… That kind of stuff."
I can’t afford anything.
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One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up. By chance, Lulu's grandma came by. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry." The policeman fainted.
Me: Dang, 68? Can you make that number a little cooler so I can hear the judge saying it out loud? Cop: Sure whatever [Later in traffic court] Judge: How were you going 420 in a 55?
It'll come back to bite you.
They are ok by themselves, but when three of them get together, they are just horribly racist.
An ARRRgument with his wife
Oh wait nvm, she's back. Just went to go to the bathroom.
One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.
But I will recover.
“Don’t worry”, the doctor said, “Those are just the contractions”
Me: Technically I can’t.
I won't miss you.
The results were château-strophic.
"Pop spelling quiz, class!" She said, and called on little Johnny. "What did you do during recess, Johnny?" Asked the teacher. Johnny replied "I played in the sandbox with Suzy and Leroy" "Ok, spell 'sand' and you will get a cookie!" Says the teacher. Johnny spells it correctly and gets his cookie. "And what did you do on recess, Suzy?" Suzy replied that she played in the sandbox with Johnny and Leroy. "Spell 'box' and you will get a cookie." Says the teacher. Suzy correctly spelled box and got her cookie. "Leroy, what did you do during recess?" The teacher asked. He replied, with tears in his eyes "Well, I tried to play in the sandbox with Johnny and Suzy, but they just threw rocks at me and called me a N$%%ER!" The teacher looked at Leroy and said "Well my goodness! That sounds like blatant racial discrimination!" "So, Leroy, spell 'blatant racial discrimination' and you'll get a cookie!"
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It's Pi day the 14th, expect irrational fear
You drop it in water. If it sinks: girl ant. If it floats…
I REALLY hope these are true These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!) __________________________________________________ Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK). A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. __________________________________________________ Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA ) A:Depends how much you've been drinking. __________________________________________________ Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden ) A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. __________________________________________________ Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK ) A: What did your last slave die of? __________________________________________________ Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA ) A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not … Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked. __________________________________________________ Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA ) A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. _________________________________________________ Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK ) A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do… __________________________________________________ Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA ) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. __________________________________________________ Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK ) A: You are a British politician, right? __________________________________________________ Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany ) A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal. __________________________________________________ Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA ) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. __________________________________________________ Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA ) A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. __________________________________________________ Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA ) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. __________________________________________________ Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France ) A: Only at Christmas. __________________________________________________ Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA ) A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
I tried to cheer my buddy up by inviting him to a poker night after cows broke into his marijuana store and ate all his product, but he couldn’t come.
He said that the steaks were too high.
But you didn't like it.
They aren’t going to make them any longer.
Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"
Because it would be EelEagle
It’s not my first choice, but I’m ok with it.
I will find you. You have my Word.
He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking," replies the officer. "Great," says the man, "when do we start?"
“On what day will I Die?” The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler. “Any day,” she replied, “on which you die will be a Jewish holiday.”
He was consumed by pride.
She was a good woman… Terrible surgeon though
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Therapist: What brought you two here today? Her: I hate how he takes things so literally. Therapist: And you? Him: A car.