My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep the other night.
She almost poked my eye out.
I tried juggling some candy bars but kept dropping them.
I have Butterfingers.
Boss told me that as a security guard, it’s my job to watch the office
I’m on season 6 and I’m not really sure what this show has to do with security
There was a joke about fishing I was going to tell you…
Oh no, I forgot the line!
A farmer accidentally overcooked his, one of a kind, psychic cow
He now has a rare medium well done
My wife and I share a sense of humour
We have to. She doesn't have one.
My wife asked me for some peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I have a scary joke about math, but I’m 2² to say it.
No text found
I think I banged a Chinese celebrity.
She kept screaming “I’m Wei Tu Yung”. Like I was supposed to know the name.
The parade has been on for more than 1.5 minutes and now I’m confused…
… because at the beginning, the announcer clearly said "Welcome to the 90-second Thanksgiving Day parade!"
What has four legs but can’t walk?
A table!
My Dad says I hammer like lightning!
I never strike in the same place twice.
Radios play music.
And that's a stereo type.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
I told my boss I was coming in to work dressed as my dad for Halloween.
I didn’t show up.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: Whos car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living? Miner: Mine
I ran into a girl at a vegetarian restaurant that said she new me
But I've never met herbivore
My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter.
I have some breaking news for her.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
So I just got my wife with this one… She asked to go to Victoria’s Secret to buy some new underwear… She complained that her favorite pairs had holes in them…
I said "of course they have holes in them, how else are you supposed to get your legs through?" I could feel the eye roll from across the room
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
What did the burglar say when he detonated a bomb to get into Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!
What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?
A chicken tender
My IT guy just asked, “How does a computer get drunk?”
It takes screen shots.
Did you know that you can’t run through a campground?
You can only ran through a campground, because it's past tents.
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A teacher asked her students to use the word “beans” in a sentence.
"My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
Two Boys One Tampon
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' 'Eight', the boy replied. The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four." "Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin. "Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
A guy broke into my house last night and was looking for money.
So I got up and looked with him.
I took two pairs of socks golfing
In case I got a hole in one
What do you call a 200 year old buffalo?
A bison-tennial.
I can’t believe that even after 15 years of the show ending, people are still making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
