My dearest wish …
Every day, my teacher reads a joke from Reddit to start the class, but today she is absent.
So instead, a subreddit.
Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus.
Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.
After my wife died, I couldn’t even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of prison, I can honestly say it was worth it.
Most People Rejected His Message. They Hated Him Because He Told Them The Truth.
https://ift.tt/37geC5M
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He’d have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community…
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy! Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.' 'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.' 'Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.' 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue!' Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. 'I don't have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here. 'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows…' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!'
I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon.
Neil before me.
There’s a lot of big words you’re hearing little buddy, I know it’s confusing …
https://ift.tt/2KkFdp3
What do you call an ostrich in debt?
An ostpoor.
Did you hear about the atheist who couldn’t use exponents?
He didn’t believe in higher powers.
I had a dream that I was a muffler
I woke up exhausted
My wife just left me for an Indian man.
I'm sure he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
A 5-year old girl went to visit her grandmother one day.
She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked: "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little girl heard the doorbell ring so she hurried to open the front door. When she opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said: "Hello young lady. Is your grandma home?" The little girl replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
My son asked if I could tell him what a solar eclipse is
I said “No sun”
They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book
That must be why everyone calls him the 'supreme reader'.
Man gets on a bus and sits next to a mother with child…
The mother is trying to get her fussy son to breastfeed, she finally gets frustrated and tells the baby, "You better take to the milk, or I'll give it to this man sitting here…" She tries a few more minutes, the baby is still just very fussy, she tells the baby again, "You need to start soon, or I'll give your milk to this man sitting here…" She continues to try to get her babe to start feeding and finally in a stern tone tells the babe, "This is the last warning, you need to stop being fussy, or I'll give your milk to this man sitting here…" The man finally gets exasperated and says, "Lady, you need to make up your mind, I was supposed to get off the bus three stops back!"
r/coronavirus is officially the fastest-growing community on Reddit
It must be viral.
A magician was asked what had happened to the lady he used to saw in half in his act …
“Oh, she’s retired,” he said. “Now she lives in Chicago—and Denver.” … (Credit: This comes from the “Random Thoughts” chapter at the end of “The Thomas Sowell Reader” – quite an interesting (and occasionally amusing) book.)
Smoking will kill you, bacon will kill you…
Smoking bacon cures it
We all know where the Big Apple is…
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
The punchline comes before the question.
What's the worst part about time travelling jokes?
My grandad killed 50 German pilots in WW2
He wasn't a very skilled mechanic.
Whenever someone asks me if I know how to use a(n) [INSERT MICROSOFT OFFICE PRODUCT]…
… I tell them, "Why yes, I Excel at it" and when they say, "Well, can you help me do this?" Me: "Word."
An Ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants
“Euripides?” says the tailor. “Yeah, Eumenides?” replies the man.
For Halloween, a classmate dressed up as a stormtrooper and shot up the school.
Don’t worry, no one got hurt.
how many bones are in your hand?
A handful
“To be and not to be”
—Schrödinger's Hamlet
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
Harry Potter went to his local gym. How did he get to the dumbbell room?
He went through the dumbbell door.
How To Fall Down The Stairs:
Step 1: Step 2: Step 5: Step 8: Step 14:
Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing?
Just in case you get a hole in one.
What is the strongest cereal brand?
Shredded wheat.
Who do you call a guy with a block of iron on his head?
A metalhead \M/
A cow got into the marijuana field…
Now the steaks are high.