My dick was in the Guinness Book of World Records
Until I got kicked out of the library
A Priest and a Cowboy are walking in the desert
They come across a flock of geese so the cowboy pulls out his two guns and empties them in the direction of the geese. "Fuck, I missed!" "Do not use that word, child, for God will smythe thy" They walk on and come across yet another flock of geese. Same thing. "Fuck, I missed" "Do not use that word, child, for God will smythe thy" Same thing happens a third time. Suddenly the Heavens open up and a lightning bolt strikes the priest down. An omnipresent voice, trembling with conviction says: "Fuck, I missed"
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb really has to WANT to change šš
On her wedding day, the mother of the bride has a talk with her daughter.
"Sweetheart," says she, "your husband-to-be is a great catch. Handsome, kind, and rich. But he's Greek. And you need to know something about Greek men in the bedroom. There will come a day, maybe soon maybe not, but the time will come when, during intimacy, he'll ask you to "roll over." When that happens, don't say another word to him. Just come straight home to me." The daughter promises that she will do as her mother asks. But she's nervous about it. The wedding goes forward without a hitch, and so does the honeymoon. The couple gets on fabulously together, in the bedroom and out. When they get home, the marital bliss continues, and the young bride discovers that she has quite a sex drive. She initiates sex even more frequently than her husband. And the bride's mother's warning never becomes relevant. On the couple's first anniversary, they have a fantastic, romantic night out. And when they get home, the have sex for a solid three hours straight. After all that, the husband leans over and whispers in his wife's ear "honey, roll over for me." The woman bursts into hysterical tears. She jumps out of bed, and begins to pack her bags. "I'm going home to my mother," she wails. "Honey, what's wrong," her husband begs. "Let me fix it," he says. "My mother warned me about yiu on our wedding day! She told me that one day you would ask me to "roll over." "Of course, darling," the man replies. "But don't you ever want to have a baby???"
Electricians have to strip to make ends meet.
No text found
My obese parrot died today
I am sad but itās a great weight off my shoulders
A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.
In self-defense the man says, āWho told you that drinking is bad?ā Nun : "Mother Superior told me." Man : "So, have you ever tried it?" Nun : "No, I havenāt ever taken a drink of hard liquor." Man : "Well, donāt criticize me if you havenāt tried it. Iāll tell you what if you try it and donāt like it, Iāll give up drinking for life." Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I donāt want people thinking Iām drinking." The man goes up to the bartender and says, āBring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a tea cup.ā The bartender looked at the man and said, āIs that nun in here again?ā
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so …….
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up … you're next!"
Iām going to hell for this one….
A teacher, a lawyer, and a priest were sitting together on an airplane. The pilot comes over the PA and says āIām sorry folks, but weāve just lost both engines. Weāre going to crash and die.ā The teacher exclaims āOh my God, the poor children!ā The lawyer replies āFuck the children!ā The priest asks āDo we have time?ā
Why wasn’t Cinderella allowed to play soccer?
Because she kept running away from the ball
To the person who stole my glasses
I can still drink from the bottle
I went to a faith healer last night and he was fucking shit,
even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out!
When you realize Trump got himself impeached by digging up dirt on the wrong guy.
https://ift.tt/2GhxbL1
Amazing how Evangelicals and his supporters believe he should be the one we trust
https://ift.tt/2JvX7oj
2 lawyers are in a restaurant eating their sandwiches.
The owner walks in and says, "You can't eat your own food in here!" The lawyers sigh and swap sandwiches.
Why are hamsters like cigarettes?
They're completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years
The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening, there was a thunderstorm, and lightning hits the straight tree. It shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bursts out laughing, and says "Who's the faggot now?"
Got my dad with this one
Currently staying at a hotel with my dad. Next to the parking lot thereās a sign that says āpet groundsā, pointing to where you can walk your dog. My dad reads it aloud, āpet groundsā, so I say āalright thenā. I crouched down, pet the grass a little bit and said, āgood groundsā. Got a good laugh out of it.
Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar
Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks." Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them." Sylvester says, "Let us hear it." So Chuck continues, "All right, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers." That's when Arnold throws himself in the conversation and says, "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!" "And who will you be, Arnold?" "I'll be Bach."
Went to the zoo yesterday with my family and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity
Tell a woman sheās beautiful a hundred times and she wonāt believe you.
Tell a woman sheās fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
My Computer is a lot like a Chargers game
They both only have two fans
āMy wife looked at me and said, “you weren’t even listening were you?”
I thought to myself, "What a weird way to start a conversation."
How often do people die in hospitals?
Just once.
I looked longingly into my beloved’s eyes and whispered “A…E…I…O…U…and sometimes, Y.”
The priest then turned to her. "And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"
A man ran into the bar and asked the bartender how tall is a penguin.
The bartender gives a rough estimate and say "about this tall I suppose." The man replied "Oh fuck I ran over a nun!"
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
Daily US death toll like a new 9/11 every couple days now- How can anybody compete with that
https://ift.tt/2AgJ5oT
As a guitarist, I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauperās cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didnāt know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like Iāve never played before for this homeless man. And as I played āAmazing Grace,ā the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, āI never seen nothinā like that before and Iāve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.ā Apparently, Iām still lostā¦
My 9-yr old daughter just told me this one.
What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out the window? It looks like rain, dear.
What do you call a gay couch?
A homo sectional
TIL Mr. T’s grandmother was a pirateā¦
Her name was Mae T
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken.
I finally realized that my wife left me because of my obsession with reducing fractions.
Oh well, hindsight is 1.
What happened to the barber after he got caught on fire?
He got side burns.
If you ever find yourself at -273.15 Celsius,
just remember that you will still be 0K.
What is the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while.
I hate the word “xenophobia”
it just sounds so…foreign