My Divorced Uncle Loves These
When will Trump/Republicans learn Twitter never forgets?
A Republican catch-22
Give some :)
A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store…
…so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend. They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big starchy chap, took the booze in his stride; while the little pea reached to all the sugar and started to get a touch hyperactive. At the end of the night, the three friends found themselves leaving a bar at the top of a tall hill, when all of a sudden the pea started bouncing up and down excitedly: "Lads! Lads! I've got a great idea! We’re all vaguely round in shape, let's not get a cab home, let's just roll down the hill!" and before the others could protest he was off – shooting down the hill at a rate of knots. The lemon lurched after him, but soon started listing violently from side to side as he went, owing to his oval shape, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. With a sigh, the potato trundled along slowly behind. By the time the potato had bounced his way to the bottom of the hill, the lemon was spewing lemon juice all over the pavement, but the pea was already jumping up and down again "that was great, that was great, let's do it again!". The lemon was now chundering up pips with the acid, but the pea didn't seem to care "Come on! let's go again, that was great!". The potato turned to him and said "Easy peasy, lemon's queasy."
This felt very boomer (NSFW)
Trump: Savior of the Black Man
My wife asked me “Is it just me or is the cat getting fat?”
Apparently "No it's just you" wasn't the right answer.
Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…
One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, *POOF!* he turns the statues into real people. The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite satisfied with himself, grinning from ear to ear. He says to the couple, "You guys have been staring at each other while locked in stone for the last 100 years, completely unable to do a thing about your urges for each other." He pauses, and then adds: "It's still pretty early, and people don't usually get to the park for another 30 minutes. You two should go into that covered area and…well, just have a good time." The man caught the eye of the woman, who had a twinkle in her eye and wore a mischievous grin. She bit her lip seductively, and with that the man grabbed her hand and the two ran off to the bushes. The angel then found himself privy to giggles, laughter, rustling, and squeals of delight. Fifteen minutes later, the couple emerged from the bushes hand-in-hand, out of breath and faces flush. The angel glanced at his watch. "You still have fifteen minutes, you know. You can have another round if you'd like!" The woman turned excitedly to the man and exclaimed, "Ok! But this time, *you* have to hold the pigeon while *I* get to shit on its head!!"
You’re right, Pooh
Problem Handling done
Technology bad, mud good
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you.
Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
The guy who stole my diary just died.
My thoughts are with his family.
We know we’re in trouble when these two are on the same side…
All over Facebook
Stolen, but proves that Boomers have become self aware, their humour knows no bounds…
My son said I’m not funny
"That's right," I answered. "I'm Dad."
And after you see that this is a post posted by your account
I don’t always tell dad jokes
But when I do he laughs
You fool! You’ve messed with the natural order!!
Yay pumpkin carving.
People always told me my dyslexia would hold me back and I’d never be any good at poetry.
But they couldn't be more wrong. So far I've made two jugs and a vase.
This belongs here
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said no. He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"
The real reason why Trump doesn’t want to wear a mask
When a developer uses his 100% of his cerebral capacity.
Trump finally beat Obama at something!
Hey Trump, the shitshow is still burning!
Phone Bad Book Good
Hahaha I smarter than u lolololol
And then the fan speeds up…
At first, the alphabet only had 25 letters.
Nobody knew why.
If you have a bee in your hand, what’s in your eye?
Beauty. It's in the eye of the bee-holder.
You’re entitled if you want to eat healthy or have a gluten sensitivity
He really did it to her
Exactly six years ago, there was a tweet. There’s *always* a tweet.
I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words…
Stop shaking the ladder you little shit
Truth comes from morning cofee
[Image] Start slappin nuts
Papa Mendel discovers the fundamentals of genetics. 1856-1863
My mailman got a sex change.
I guess you'd call him a post man now.
“Dad, I’m so happy! I got a B in reading!”
Dad: That’s a D, idiot.
You’re not a martyr!!!
I’m sorry little one
Well.. don’t you?
Seriously why does this exist
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack
My not so boomer friend posted this
Anyone Can Fall in Love
There were two antennas on top of a skyscraper collecting radio signals. They meet, fall in love and decide to get married. The wedding wasn’t much to talk about, but the reception was excellent. 😜
“Russian Roulettes are safe”
Physics ⊆ Math
Life as an open source maintainer.
There’s an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ
It's 150 minus the number of toilet rolls you have at home
Tumblr at it again
why it is as it is and why it exists at all
*rotates cannon towards sun*
I am sorry to break it to you but I am not gonna compile that.
Ha ha marriage bad, shark good!
A Joke from my little cousin
What do you call a bunch of monkeys all mixed up? An Orangatangle!
It’s the world we live in
HAHAHA TECHNOLOGY BAD BRAIN GOOD
They’ll never take our FREEDOM
My chemistry teacher asked me what’s an acid + base.
A good party wasn't the correct answer, apparently.
When I see lovers’ nαmes cαrved in α tree, I don’t think it’s sweet.
I just think it's surprising how mαny people bring a knife on a dαte.
I had a difficult, emotional talk with my 9-year-old son this morning. There was a lot of crying and “nobody wants me on their team” and “I haven’t got any friends”.
Anyway, he was very nice about it and gave me some good tips for being more sociable.
Pickup line to use at the a hairdresser…
"…excuse me miss, do you comb hair often?"
Passenger taps his cab driver on the shoulder, The drivers shits himself, almost hits a bus and stops inches from a shop window
"Wow youre jumpy arent you, i just tapped you on the shoulder" said the passenger "Sorry" said the driver "its my first day on the job and ive been driving a hearse the past 20 years"
The American military should really be worried…
Russian technology is a decade ahead of them at the moment.
Our pet duck keeps biting everyone, so I bought a cheap muzzle for it.
Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.
Don’t try to deny it!
My teacher says I’m pretty good at addition but I’m terrible at subtraction.
I don't get the difference.
I keep hearing music coming from the printer.
I think the paper is jamming.