My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath…
…but I can't even finish drinking the hot bath…
Why do mountains make the best jokes?
Because they are hill areas!
Justice is best served cold
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
I don’t get why everyone wants Trump to be a peach…
When he would look perfectly natural dressed as an orange.
I’m sorry if this is a repost but I found this posted seriously on an account I enjoy.
https://ift.tt/2QXZSDr
It’s cool that last names tell us about old family professions
Like the Smith family were blacksmiths and the Bowman family were archers and the Dickinson family… well they were in jail
2 cowboys in a field
One turns to the other and says “you take all those cows over there and round them up into one big group” The other says “what?” The first cowboy says “you herd”
What’s large, grey, and doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant.
My chem teacher actually makes quality memes. We’re learning about bonding types.
https://ift.tt/39owHQm
Not only does my new girlfriend like to watch soccer, she also plays it.
I think she's a keeper.
I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell.
Looking at it now, I see why.
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender: I'm sorry, we don't serve food here.
Boss: John, for 30 years you have been bringing me coffee…
Boss: John, for 30 years you have been bringing me coffee, filled to the brim, without even spilling a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs? John: That's easy! Before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip, and as I get to the top, I put it back in.
So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re
Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation. The wife understands and cooks the fish. The next day they are eating the fish and the priest asks “can someone pass me the dam fish” on which the priests son replies “that’s the spirit dad can someone pass me the fucking fries”
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
Alabama Pastor
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.” And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…
"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this stuff instead of training!"
Can a Ninja throw Stars?
Shur-he-kan
I asked Siri why I was still single
She turned on the front camera
6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day..
I asked my girlfriend if she does any other exercises…
Other than jumping to conclusions.
I just ended a 5 year relationship
It’s ok though. Wasn’t my relationship.
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover there butt Quacks! Straight from my ten year old…. I’m so proud.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler…
I just learned that a friend of mine who had a stutter died in jail
He didn't even complete his sentence
One plant says to the other, hey, are you hungry?
Well, I could use a light snack.
How does a computer science major pick up girls?
Oh shit thought this was google
A Man Driving Down The Street Sees a Penguin
Apologies in advanced for spelling and grammar as I’m on my phone. A man is driving down the street and sees a penguin on the side of the road. Curious he decides to pull over and pick it up. About that time a local police officer sees the two of them and decides to pull behind him as he’s loading the penguin up. “Just what do you think you’re doing with that penguin?” The officer demands “I haven’t a clue what to do with him I just saw him on the side of the road and figured I’d pick him up” The man replied “Well I suggest you take him straight to the zoo!” The officer suggested. So the man agrees and takes off heading toward the zoo. The next day the officer is at his post when he sees the same guy in the same car driving by with the same penguin. He immediately hits the flashers and pulls the man over. “Hey pal I thought I made it clear yesterday to take this penguin straight to the zoo!” The officer stated “Yeah we did that yesterday, today I’m taking him to the ball game”
A farmer buys a young cock
A farmers cock is getting old, so he decides to buy another younger one. When the new cock is put into the pen with the other chickens, the old cock says to him "I own all these hens, they all will only sleep with me, but I am old, I will give them to you if you grant my last wish before I die" The young cock is desperate to sleep with all these hens, and respects the old chickens last wish, so he agrees. "I want you to fuck me like I am one of them, I've always been curious what it's like, but there's never been another cockerel around" The young rooster is a little put off, but agrees all the same, so he mounts him and starts going when suddenly there is a loud bang, and the young rooster drops dead The farmer puts down his shotgun and says "fuck sake, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month"
I scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked
I don’t know what scared him more, the fact that I was naked, or that I knew where he lived
What’s the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, “I’m off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park.”
My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
Asked me girlfriend if I was the only one she’d ever been with
She replied “yes, the rest were nines and tens”
What do you call a pig that does karate?
Pork Chop! (Overhear a little boy telling his mum, I’m sure he’ll grow up to be a great dad 😂)