My dog ate my homework
My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she is up to now.
Breaking a leg during an audition…
Ensures that you end up in the cast…
Time flies when you’re throwing watches…
No text found
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
GLOVES! Nah, just kidding… He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
I learned how to time-travel tomorrow.
At least, that's what I will hope.
I proposed to my ex-wife. But she said no.
She believes I'm only after my money.
I was gonna give archery a shot
But theres too many drawbacks Edit: Heckin thanks for the platinum!!!
r/im14andthisisdeep:
r/dadjokes: hello 14, hello deep, I'm dad
The other day I gave up my seat to an older blind lady
And that’s how I lost my job as a bus driver
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
What do flies do at church?
Flyspray
You can’t run through a campground
You can only ran, because it’s past tents.
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard
My family was cracking up while eating eggs for breakfast this morning
They were great yolks
I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick from her purse, instead of her lip stick.
She still isn’t talking to me.
The animals on the Ark wanted to play cards but they couldn’t.
Noah was standing on the deck.
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice skating before it was cool
Guy runs into a bar, yells “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”
Bartender says "Three feet tall." Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"
So President Trump got into his Bunker because of the Riots.
As a german Guy I can say from experience that from this moment its not getting any better.
We all know where the big apple is, but do you know where…
The Minneapolis?
My teacher told me I would never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia
But so far I’ve made 3 vases and a jug so fuck you!
A mathematician came home and told his wife, “sorry honey, but I’m leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I’ll be home in a few hours and I’d like for you to be gone.”
He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8…
Duck a Fuck
A father gave his three sons a duck each and asked them to go and try to sell them for the best price. The first son went out and sold his duck for $5, went home and told his dad what he had done. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer. The second son also sold his duck for $5. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer. The third son went out and saw a gorgeous blonde woman on the side of the road. He went up to her and said I’ll give you my duck if you have sex with me. She considered it and said “Ok”. They had sex and when they were done she said wow that was good, I’ll give you your duck back if you’ll do me again. The boy agreed. While they were having sex again, the duck got loose and ran out into the road. They saw the duck escape and pulled their pants on but not quickly enough to prevent the duck from getting run over by a car. The driver jumped out of the car and said “I’m so sorry i killed your duck. I’ll give you $40 to make up for it. When the third son finally returned home in the evening, his dad asked how much he had made. He said “I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and forty bucks for a fucked up duck.”
A little girl opens the door to find a priest with a collection tin.
“What can I do for you, Father?” “I’m collecting for the orphanage.” “Just a moment,” says the little girl, closing the door. The priest waits patiently, then suddenly hears first one gunshot, then another. The little girl returns to the door and says: “OK, you can take me now.”
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, “I really need a new fucking boat.”
“Hi my name is David and i lost my ID…
… I guess you can call me Dav now."
