My dog has a problem with chasing people on bicycles.
It's gotten so bad that I had to take his bike away.
What do you call a fight between an immigrant an a priest?
Alien vs. predator.
I don’t know why most people think a dogs life is so easy.
Everytime I come home from work I ask my dog how his day went and he always says rough.
Why did the melon have a traditional wedding?
Because it cantaloupe.
Marathon runner ran 26.3 miles to spell out “BOSTON STROG” in her fitness app
https://ift.tt/2VtzPWC
I want to share a corona virus poem I wrote today.
Everybody was Kung Flu fighting, That crap was fast as lightning, In fact, it was a little bit frightening, The experts couldn’t predict the timing, Everybody was Kung Flu fighting.
You Are Weak. And You Are Weak Because You Don’t Have Enough Hate.
You Are Weak. And You Are Weak Because You Don’t Have Enough Hate.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot 🥕
What site do you use to get captions like this? (The text above the image)
What site do you use to get captions like this? (The text above the image)
I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the backdoor." Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that everyday.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Just beer i guess.
The repairs on big ben are expected to take 3 years
That's a long time considering they're working around the clock
What’s the difference between outlaws and in-laws ?
Outlaws are wanted.
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, “Its dark in here.” The man says, “Yes, it is.” Boy ~ “I have a baseball.” Man ~ “That’s nice.” Boy ~ “Want to buy it?” Man ~ “No, thanks.” Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.” Man ~ “OK, how much?” Boy ~ “$250? In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy ~ “Its dark in here.” Man ~ “Yes, it is.” Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.” The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?” Boy ~ “$750? Man ~ “Fine.” A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” Boy ~ “$1,000? The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.” They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, “Dark in here.” The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”
Adverts in elevators.
I hate these multi-level marketing schemes.
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender: I'm sorry, we don't serve food here.
From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
This sub is for comics and nothing else. If you have any questions please leave a comment on here.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It’s OK though…
I know where to draw the line..
Why don’t zombies eat ghost?
They taste like sheet.
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
I met an Asian guy at a party and asked him, “Are you Chris Chen?”
He said: No, my name is Daniel. Do all Asian guys look the same to you? Me: No. I meant, do you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior?
I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps.
He gave me a blank stair.
I buy my guns from a guy called T-Rex
He’s a small arms dealer.
What do you call a group of introverts?
A paradox.
A Bar Opened Opposite a Church…..
The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business. Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it. Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer. The Church Denied all Responsibility!!! So, the judge commented, "It's Difficult to Decide the Case because here we have a Bar Owner Who Believes in the Power of Prayer & an Entire Church that Doesn't Believe in it"
I was accused of being a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised!
Once there were four business men. They were sitting on a bench in a hospital waiting room because their wives were having babies.
A nurse comes over and says to the first businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had a baby." The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the president of And1!" The nurse goes away. Then the nurse comes back and says to the second businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had twins!" The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the owner of the Minnesota Twins!" The nurse goes away. The nurse comes back and says to the third businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had triplets!" The man says, "What a coincidence! I work for Triple Crown!" The nurse goes away. The nurse comes back and sees the fourth businessman alone on the bench crying. She asks, "Why are you crying"? The man replies, "I work for Seven Up."
I can’t find my gone in 60 seconds dvd.
It was here a minute ago
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas.
Can't wait to see his face light up, when he opens it.