My dog is really good at playing fetch
I think I’m going to promote him to branch manager
The teachers tend to Babylon.
A passing soldier notices this, walks over and rolls his pants across the car. Magically, the car unlocks. The woman is relieved but puzzled, asking him how he did it. "That's easy. These are khakis."
It’s over easy
Mass divided by volume
"What happened?" The father asks. "Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?" "Not yet." "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on…. my cock??'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come." The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?" "Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father. "That's what I said!"
My mom used to tell me not to laugh at other’s condition because we may be in their position one day.
So I laugh at Bill Gates' condition everyday.
I bet their wings would taste delicious!
It was just lowercase.
… guess you could say he sleighed it
“Everything is bigger in Texas,” says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!” The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
Apparently you’re not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say “get a load of this guy” every time someone walks in.
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blonde hair…
Before our hike, my wife offered my sister-in-law some fruit. She said "no thanks, I had a pear on the way here." Without skipping a beat, I said "you mean you came pre-peared?"
My dad didn't beat cancer
The same thing that happens when a Christian does.
Man: AND ?
About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil…
Don't even get me started on baby oil
Can you believe that? Lucky for him I was still up playing the tuba.
One of them is an elephant.
It had too many leeks.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy – "I have a baseball." Man – "That's nice." Boy – "Want to buy it?" Man – "No, thanks." Boy – "My dad's outside." Man – "OK, how much?" Boy – "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy – "Dark in here." Man – "Yes, it is." Boy – "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy – "$750" Man – "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy – "$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
I've never paid $100 to have a lentil on me.
Something inside me is telling me yes
Him: "There's a spider in your bra."
r/dadjokes on you!
300 people died
Distanceraptor divided by timeraptor
Yes, we arson.
Always Coming From Take Me Down
Three dads are stranded on a boat drifting in the middle of the ocean. They begin to accept the inevitable and they all agree to smoke one last cigarette together before succumbing to starvation and dehydration. They open up the last pack of cigarettes to find the final four cigarettes. As they hold the cigarettes in their mouth, they quickly realize they have no way to light them. Each of them sit in silence puzzling over the situation they find themselves in. Finally one dad exclaims he has a solution, he takes the last cigarette out of the pack and toss it overboard. He then says to the other two dads “Now the whole boat is a cigarette lighter!”.
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
Their socialism is just too much
After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a sex change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home. That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them. "Did you seriously just have a sex change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked. He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."
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He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
He Never Lands! I like this joke because it never grows old 🙂