My donkey never listens to me.
What’s the difference between a school and a compound?
I got no clue, I just fly the drone
So Tekashi69 could face life in prison
Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence
Two American journalists are in London.
Two American journalists are in London attending a press convention. That evening they are in the bar chatting to fellow UK journalists when the subject of how headlines are written came up. The UK journo's commented that the Headlines in America are far too long. They need to be much shorter, and to the the point. "Interesting", said the American journ'o, "can you give us an example?" "Well", said the UK guy, "take this crime that happened yesterday, a mental patient escapes from the local funny farm, enters a laundry, rapes one of the washer women and runs off. What headline would you use?" The two thought for a moment and said." Maniac sexually assaults laundry worker and escapes". "See," Says the UK guy, "too long". "what's your headline then?", said the American. The UK guy smiles and said, "Nut screws washer and bolts".
Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice everyday.
Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much…it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them. Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?' Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, But how do you know?' Luigi answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?' Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?' Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi , I do, But how do you know that?' He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300Armani leather shoes.. . How do you like them?' Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red… He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,Please, please, tella me this true!' Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight…' Luigi gasps, 'Thank God … I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Armani leather shoes……….!'.
When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she’s either really interested or you’re level 99 friend-zoned
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet
![Assault and Pepper [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/wyfla1s8f4n41-400x498.png)
God is walking through the Garden of Eden one morning, when he sees Adam sitting by himself, grinning from ear to ear.
God says to Adam, "you're looking very happy this morning! Has something good happened?" "Oh yes" Adam replies. "This morning we found out why I have a penis and Eve has a vagina! It was awesome. We're going to call it 'sex'!" God is shocked. "Adam, what you have done is a sin! You and Eve must both be punished." He looks around. "Where is Eve anyway?" Adam replies "well, she enjoyed it so much she wants to do it again. She's down by the river washing her vagina." "Oh, great" God replies. "Now, on top of everything else, all the fish will smell funny too!"
As an Aussie, I feel sorry for my American friends and their government
After all, they’re still stuck in the last decade
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates?
The prose outweighs the cons.
Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you ‘I’ll give you something to cry about!’
and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?
A Jewish man and a Chinese man are in a bar…
A Jewish man and a Chinese man are in a bar. Suddenly, the Jewish man punches the Chinese man in the face. "Ow! Why did you do that?" asks he Chinese man. "That's for Pearl Harbor," says the Jewish man. "But the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. I'm Chinese!" says the Chinese man. "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" asks the Jewish man. So the Chinese man punches the Jewish man. "Ow! What's that for?" asks the Jewish man. "It's for the Titanic," says the Chinese man. "What? That was an iceberg that brought down the Titanic!" says the Jewish man. "Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"
A fish pooped on my shoes today
That Bass-turd
“Sorry boss, I won’t be coming in today for the big meeting,” I told my manager.
"Why's that?" he asked. I said, "Yes, very wise.'
What do you call a dinosaur that explodes?
Well I don't know but the Dinomite
Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said “This isn’t working I’m going to my mum’s”
I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
The Australians once killed a bunch of rabbits and proved this. Evolution be sick sometimes.
https://ift.tt/3bpzxoQ
If you boil a funny bone
It becomes a laughing stock
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your jeans.
Christmas is a lot like sex
I always get really excited but after it's over I regret spending all that money.
A son and daughter walk up to their father.
Son: Dad which one of us do you love more? Father: My love for you is like communism. Daughter: So equally? Father: No, it collapsed 30 years ago.
Whenever I undress in the bathroom..
My shower gets turned on.
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar
Ahhh, those were the days.
I just found out how to burn 2000 calories
I left my brownies in the oven too long
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I’m really pleased that our band has just signed a Jamaican triangle player.
Now every little ting is gonna be all right!
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, “Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth.” Reflecting, the man says, “I’ll take the wisdom”
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
I set the comp password to ‘Homework1st’ my daughter was getting frustrated…
I set the comp password to ‘Homework1st’ my daughter was getting frustrated that every time she asked what I changed it to, I answered. She did every piece of work, including corrections. Then I wrote it down.
My face! When he says “The Coronavirus is very much under control in the USA.”!
https://ift.tt/3eOSfbR
My wife just called me.
She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous." I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
What did daddy spider say to baby spider?
You spend too much time on the web
Two kids were playing around inside and broke a window.
It was a pane to replace.
