My ex wife misses me.
But her aim keeps getting better.
Where did the boulder learn its arithmetic?
The School of Hard Rocks
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty…
Whenever I’m in trouble, I think, “What would Jesus do” ?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die
A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all day the same day. They all approach the pearly gates where St. Peter awaits them. St. Peter calls the first man up and asks what religion he is. “I’m a Christian” says the first man. “Very well, continue on and you will be in room 16, just be really quiet near room 8” said St. Peter The next man walks up and St. Peter asks what religion he was. “I am a Muslim” says the man “Very well, you will be in room 29, just be very quiet around room 8” replies St. Peter The third and final man walks forth and St. Peter again asks what religion he was. “I am an Atheist” answers the man “Very well, you will be in Room 56, just be very quiet around room 8” says St. Peter The man asks, “If I may, why must I be quiet around room 8?” St. Peter replies, “Room 8 is where the Catholics are, and they think they’re the only ones here”
Mexico called.
They are willing to pay for the wall now.
If I had a dime for every time I didn’t understand what’s going on, I’d be like…
"Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
My son said he coloured himself with a highlighter pen from the neck upwards during work today.
I think it's a bold-faced lie.
Did you hear about the English teacher who went to jail?
She got a full sentence.
Hear the one about those corduroy pillows?
Been leaving headlines everywhere
My grandfather used to tell me “the day a black man becomes president is the day pigs will fly!”
Sure enough, right after Obama took office, swine flu.
Dear posters of r/Jokes, could you try to be a bit more original?
My friends are really tired of hearing the same jokes over and over again.
A guy sent me his nudes.
Pretty nuts, if you ask me.
My friend changed his name from William to Lawrence
That’s how a Bill becomes a Law.
What do you call a short psychic who just escaped prison?
A small medium at large
What kind of running means walking?
Running out of gas!
I was skeptical when someone told me that there is a land full of Jews
Turns out, Israel
How do you tell the sex of an ant?
You drop it in water. If it sinks: girl ant. If it floats…
I saw two women exercising today.
They were taking a walk but were way too close to each other given the social distancing orders. When I confronted them about the need to keep at least 6 feet apart, one of them looked at me dumbfounded and said, "We're just trying to flatten our curves!"
“Son, you’re adopted”.
Son: "Wow really? I'd never have guessed!". Dad: "Im glad you're taking this so well". Son: "Well I did have my suspicions". Dad: "yes yes, anyway go pack your bags, your new parents will be here in 10 minutes".
My son said I’m not funny
"That's right," I answered. "I'm Dad."
Donald Trump meets the Queen…
Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?" Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, your majesty?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," says the Queen. Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence. "Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one." Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall. Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it? General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster." Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"
Women are actually turning into good drivers
So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women turning