My ex wife still misses me
But her aim is getting better
I put root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
I have a scary joke about math
But I am 2² to say it.
A man walked into a bar
And stayed there my entire childhood
My therapist says I’m obsessed with vengeance
I’ll show him!
Donald Trump is reportedly banning the sale of pre-shredded cheese.
He wants to make America grate again.
“Several years ago, you could smoke in bars”
"Dad, what is a bar?" … "Dad, are you crying?"
I have mixed views on immigration.
I'm foreign against it.
Dr. Geezer
An old geezer got bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put up a sign that said “Dr. Geezer’s clinic: Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1000.” Dr. Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to win $1000. He went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic and says, “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?” Dr. Geezer calls out, “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.” Dr. Young yells, “Aaagh! This is gasoline!” Dr. Geezer replies, “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back, that will be $500.” Dr. Young gets annoyed and returns a couple of days later with another plan to recover his money. He enters the clinic and says, “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.” Dr. Geezer calls out, “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.” Dr. Young yells, “Oh no you don’t, that’s gasoline!” Dr. Geezer replies, “Congratulations, you’ve got your memory back, that will be $500.” Dr. Young, angry after losing $1000, comes back after several more days. He enters the clinic and says, “My eyesight has become weak, I cannot see anything!” Dr. Geezer replies, “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so here’s your $1000 back,” and hands Dr. Young a $10 bill. Dr. Young quickly yells, “Hey, this is only $10!” Dr. Geezer replies, “Congratulations, you’ve got your vision back, that will be $500.”
Why did the cargo ship carrying vegetables sink?
It had too many leeks.
The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
Why did the teddy bear say “no” to dessert?
Because she was stuffed.
What do I hate most about my Rubik’s Cube?
Well, I don't know where to begin.
Nail salons closed, Lash salons closed, Hair salons closed, Tanning salons closed, waxing salons closed…
It's about to get ugly out there. Stay safe.
Sherlock Holmes walks into his house with a basket full of lemons.
Watson asks, "Where did you get so many lemons?" Holmes replies, "A lemon tree, Watson.."
A friend of mine has just got a job as a director at Macdonalds farm.
He's been made the CIEIO
Teacher : “Alright who can name a flammable material?”
Jewish Kid : “ME! ME! ME!” Teacher : “Okay what else?”
What does Donald Trump’s hair and a thong have in common?
They both barely cover the asshole. EDIT: I leave this up for a few hours and 500 upvotes already?! Thanks everyone! EDIT 2: WOW! MY FIRST MEDAL EVER! THANK YOU KIND REDDIT STRANGER!
I went to blockbuster back in 1996 and asked the man if I could rent “Batman Forever”
He said: "No sir, Ill need it back tomorrow night"
If you’re looking for a slutty Halloween costume…
Dress as a professor. They barely cover anything important.
The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
No text found
Viagra shipment stolen.
Cop looking for a bunch of hardened criminals.
Why did the Corona Virus cross the street?
To help seniors get to the other side
Why do space rocks taste better than earth rocks?
They’re a little meteor.
Having gay parents must be horrible
You either get twice the amount of dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom." Edit: On another Sub someone called me a homophobe. I want to say I'm not a homophobe it was simply a light hearted joke. I'm gay myself and wouldn't want to create hate or controversy. So sorry if I offended anyone. Edit 2: Thanks for giving me my first award. Edit 3: if you have heard it else where then fine Like this one guy in the comments said "I’ve seen it a few times but no doubt many people haven’t. No reason a good joke can’t be posted bc someone’s posted it in the past."
Light travels faster than sound
which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.
My hot as hell lesbian neigbors asked me to be to sleep with them so they could have a baby. We’ve been trying for three years now.
I haven't got the heart to tell them I got a vasectomy five years ago.
Standing on office chairs.
No text found
i think i saw the word bullshit a few times in the movie
i think i saw the word bullshit a few times in the movie
You know what I said to the salesman today who tried to sell me a coffin?
That's the last thing I need.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree
When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!” The lumberjack laughed and said, “And you will dialogue.”
How many bones are in your hand?
About a handful
Upper, lower class too and for girls too ! You better understand the template
https://ift.tt/2AGSiqQ
My son, who’s into astronomy, asked me how stars die.
"Usually an overdose, son," I told him.
some guys told me this isn’t boomer humor.. wife ugly but she put big things in mouth hehe
https://ift.tt/2z5YrvC
What’s a pirates least favourite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
Years ago, I had a job translating pre Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
How do you cut an ocean in two?
with a sea-saw