My face! When he says “The Coronavirus is very much under control in the USA.”!
My wife walked in on me
After my shower while I was blow drying my dick and balls and asked "What the hell are you doing?" Apparently "heating up your dinner" was not the best answer.
A math teacher was arrested today
In his home was a protractor, a calculator, and ruler. He was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.
I’ve been having the most difficult time figuring out what audio system to put in my car.
I hate making decisions based on stereotypes.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.
The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!" The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reactants, can no longer continue!" Meanwhile, the two turn around to find that the statistician is running around the room setting everything else on fire. "What the hell are you doing??" "Getting a proper sample size!"
It’s ironic that in America, red white and blue stands for freedom…
… unless they're flashing behind you.
what did batman say to robin before they got in the batmobile?
“robin, get in the batmobile”
Where do DJs get their information?
The wiki wiki
My friend drowned in a vat of varnish. He had a terrible end,
but a lovely finish.
Working at the unemployment office sucks.
If you lose your job you still have to come in.
So my daughter is clearing the table and holds her cup above her head and says “Dad look…”
"I'm breathing underwater." I've never been prouder.
An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him…
… the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly. The woman speaks up and says "I'm a prostitute and its going to be 100 dollars for my service." The man is stunned and saddened that she didn't really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly. The woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies "I'm a taxi driver and its going to be 150 dollars for the ride here and back."
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at childbirth before….
I replied, "Yes just once." The doctor asked, "What was it like?" I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
Did you know that dogs keep track of how many times you’ve stepped on their tails?
It's your Yelp score
Hmm…Adidas, Reebok, or Puma…What do you guys think?
My partner thinks Adidas, but I think Reebok is a good name for a baby boy.
Got a new job at the guillotine factory.
I'll beheading there shortly.
People are injecting racehorses with steroids, but the cops are finding it difficult to convict them.
It’s like finding a needle in a haystack.
I just found out my girlfriend just gave me an STD….
Looks like I’m gonorrhea-valuate the relationship
How to nail a job interview
At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.” "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass… “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.” "Correct." A third glass… "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."
I can’t believe someone stole my limbo pole the other day…
I mean, how low can you go?
I threw my wife a surprise bukakke party.
It was a big success. Everyone came. You should have see her face.
[nsfw] Girlfriends sister tries to seduce me
I went to my girlfriend’s house expecting to see her. It was my girlfriend’s sister ( very beautiful) who opened the door in a slutty dress. She asked me to enter the house and said no one is coming home for another 5 hours, she then placed her hands on my shoulders and came close to me. I stopped her and left the house. I got into my car and immediately someone knocked on the door, I looked around to see my girlfriend. And her dad, mom and sister were standing outside. I got out of my car and my girlfriend hugged me tight and said it was a test and you passed. Her parents and sister also hugged me for being a good boyfriend. Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the car
I don’t have a dad body
I have a father figure
What do you have if you have a snowball in your right and a snowball in your left hand?
Frosty's full and undivided attention!
I know a great knock-knock joke, but you need to start it.
You: Ok, knock knock Me: Who's there? You: …? Me: 😃
How Many Police Officers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None they beat the room for being black.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay you.
Do you know what is the worst part about being an egg?
You get laid only once
What do you call a veterinarian who practices chiropracty?
An animal cracker.
My girlfriend told me to stop singing “I’m a Believer”.
At first, I thought she was joking. But then I saw her face…
Why did the semen cross the road?
I put the wrong socks on this morning