My father always laughed at me when I got shocked playing with electricity
He’d laugh and say, “Son, you’re grounded.”
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A white horse fell in the mud
This morning a clown held the door for me.
It was a nice jester.
An Englishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
The Englishman wants to go so they all have to leave.
Pedro and Juanita
Pedro and Juanita are running a cantina in Mexico. One day Pedro having a siesta and Juanita is looking after the bar. One of the patrons is getting very drunk on tequila and he says "Hey Juanita, I want to kiss you all over your body." Juanita says "Pees off you peeg." So he carries on drinking and a while later he says "Hey Juanita, I want to feel your titties." Juanita says "Pees off you peeg." So he carries on drinking and a while later he says "Hey Juanita, I want to fill your pussy with ice cream and lick it all out." So Juanita storms up the stairs and wakes Pedro. She says "Pedro, Pedro there is a man in the cantina. He says he wants to kiss me all over my body." Pedro jumps off the bed and grabs his machete. He says "Where is he? I will cut him in half." Juanita says "That's not all, he says he wants to feel my titties." Pedro says "Where is he, I will cut in half twice." Juanita says "That's not all, he says he wants to fill my pussy with ice cream and eat it all out." Pedro looks disappointed, he puts the machete down and lies down on the bed again. Juanita says "Are you not going to cut him in half." Pedro says "No, any man that can eat that much ice cream is too big for me to fight with."
You know, I was looking at our ceiling the other day. It’s not the best…
But it’s up there.
I’m scared of π
It's an irrational fear
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!” The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a rum and coke!” The anti-vaxxer does nothing. She collapsed and died from polio.
I was kicked out of the neighborhood pool for peeing in the deep end
The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in
If you only believe in 12.5% of the bible
You're an eighth theist
If i had $1 for every girl that didn’t find me attractive..
.. they would eventually find me attractive
Student: Are well and actually both one syllable words
Teacher: Well yes , but actually no
Nature is starting to have more graphics in video games.
Nature is starting to have more graphics in video games.
I farted while putting the baby to sleep, and it startled her and woke her up.
She got a second wind.
Did you know a school of piranha can devour a child in 30 seconds
Anyhow today I lost my job at the aquarium
My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
After all these years, my wife still thinks I’m sexy.
Every time I walk by she says, “What an Ass.”
A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along.
As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for." I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believe it, he didn't do a single thing wrong. I'm going to pull him over and let him know." He pulls the guy over, goes up to him and says "Sir, I'm sorry I pulled you over. I just wanted to compliment you. I followed you for a while and not once did you speed, change lanes without signaling, or do anything else deserving of a citation. I rarely see this so I wanted to thank you for you safe driving." The guy looks up at him and replies: "Well, you've got to be careful when you're drunk."
“Excuse me sir, will the pizza be long?”
"No sir it'll be round." *joke courtesy of a local restaurant
Conjunctivitis.com
Now that’s a site for sore eyes
I’ve been trying for ages to buy a supermarket conveyor belt divider…
…but the cashier always keeps putting it back!
BREAKING NEWS!! .. Man hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass
Doctors describe his condition as stable
How do you get a philosophy major off of your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
These days you can’t even say “blackboard” anymore.
The politically correct term is: "Jamal, get on my ship."
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.98, deer nuts are under a buck.
So there’s this guy going around dipping his testicles in glitter
It’s pretty nuts.
In Germany, A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, “That’s not it” and put it down again.
This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
If Robocop was a transformer,
Would his name be stoptimus Crime?
The girlfriend and I just drove by a shoe in the road
GF: A shoe! Me: Bless you Was pretty proud of myself for a couple minutes.
If you slap Dwayne Johnson’s ass
You hit rock bottom