My father has schizophrenia…
…but he’s good people…
Drinking American beer is the same as having sex on a canoe.
It’s f*cking close to water.
Why does Waldo only wear stripes?
Because he doesn't want to be spotted.
Today, I crossed the street, changed a light bulb, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!
What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies?
Twobearculosis.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says
"Five beers,please."
The CEO of Valve walks into a bar with two of his associates…
The bartender asks “What can I get for you?” The CEO responds “We’ll have one drink and two drinks please.” The bartender replies “So three drinks?” “What the hell is three?”
I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions !
My credit card number My social security number Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
There was a man who worked for the Post Office
… whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those cunts at the Post Office.
What does a painter do when he gets cold?
He puts on another coat!
Why do the Hong Kong police wake up so early in the morning?
To beat the crowd.
Oregon Trail
You’re walking along the Oregon Trail and you meet a guy named terry. You laugh at him as say Terry is a girls name. Terry shoots you. You’ve died of dissen terry.
I went to the doctors the other day because I cant stop showing off.
They prescribed me some anti gloating cream. I cant wait to rub it in.
Did you know if you break a mirror you get more mirrors?
Let us reflect on this
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Add a nipple to it.
“I swear, I’m kicking you out of the house if you don’t stop singing Christmas music.”
But, baby, it’s cold outside!
I don’t mind breakfast in bed
…but I prefer it in a bowl.
Yesterday I saw a half-dog, half-cat…
What’s up with dat!?
A Frenchman was showing of his yachts to a tourist
Frenchman: "This one is called Un, this one Deux, this one Trois, Quatre, Six, Se–" Tourist: "Hold on, why is there no number 5?" Frenchman: "It Cinq"
I farted in an Apple store and everyone got mad at me.
I told them it’s not my fault you don’t have windows.
I couldn’t follow the storyline of Stephen King’s “It”
Too many Maine characters.
At first I disliked parasites
But later on they grew on me
Why are electricians the best journalists?
They are always working on current events.
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?
Honey I'll be home in 20 minutes.
What are the working hours for stay at home parents of little boys?
Son up to son down.
My boss fired me for making jokes about Asians again
It was the end of my Korea
A date site for witches is known for its members’ relationships moving too fast, and most of them ultimately break up.
Don't mount your Wiccans before they're matched.
How do you outrun a horse, tiger, lion, and elephant that are chasing you?
Get your drunk ass off of the merry-go-round.
I keep asking people what LGBT means
I can never get a straight answer
A guy walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist…
"I've gotta know, does Viagra really work?" The pharmacist replied, "it sure does. In fact, I use it myself." "Good to know. Can you get it over the counter?" "Well, yes, if I take two of them."