My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
I’m moving to Greenwich in a couple months.
Don't know what I'm going to do in the mean time…
What did one cucumber seed say to the other?
We're in a bit of a pickle!
You Matter!
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then you energy…
Scientists got bored of watching the earth turn so after 24 hours
they called it a day
I have a lot of jokes about the unemployed people
But none of them work!!
A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.
It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man says. He looks around and notices all the waiters have spoons in thier pockets. "Why do you all have spoons on hand like that?" The waiter replied "We had an efficiency expert come in last week, and after a study, he deduced that the most dropped utensil was a spoon. So the manager insisted we all carry spoons to promote efficiency and customer service". The man continued to eat his meal when he just happened to notice a piece of string protruding from a waiter's fly. He looked around and noticed that all the waiters had one. He called his waiter back over and asked about it. The waiter told him "Ohhh, that's another thing put in place by the efficiency expert. He figured out that the most wasted time was washing our hands after using the bathroom. So we all have a piece of string tied around our penises. When we take a leak, we just unzip, pull the string and go. Since we dont touch it, there is no need to wash our hands." The man thinks on this and says, "Makes sense, but how do you get it back in without touching it?" The waiter leans in and whispers, " I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
A man is on trial for murdering his wife, although a body has not been found. [long]
His lawyer says there is not enough evidence. "The ex-wife is not even dead, I am going to prove it to you, she is going to walk through the door in about one minute." All eyes are focused on the door. A minute passes. Another minute passes. And another. The prosecution says: "she didn't walk in." "But the fact that you were all staring at the door expectantly proves that there is reasonable doubt." The jury discusses. The defendant is found guilty. "How can you send a man to prison on such flimsy evidence?" The lawyer says. One juror says: "In the three minutes that passed, I looked through the courtroom, and I saw that the defendant was the only person who didn't look at the door even once."
What did you learn at school today?
Not much. Apparently I need to go back tomorrow.
What did they find under Michael Jackson’s pillow?
Billy's Jeans
Whats the difference between a Cactus and a School bus?
A cactus has all the little pricks on the outside.
Man I love my furniture
Me and my recliner go way back.
I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.
Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.
My father always told me “If you are not the best, then you are piece of sh*t!”
I made up the first part of the phrase so it would not hurt me that much.
Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day …
Give a man a poisoned fish, and you’ll feed him for a lifetime!
People are dying all around the world just to mess with your loser president *eye roll*
https://ift.tt/33vbr99
My wife to our son, “Go brush your teeth with your sister”
Me from the other room, "No, use a toothbrush".
My ex- rapper friend decided to stop his gardening business because he was really careless with his tools.
He has hoes in different area codes.
I’m looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage…
Only driven from time to time.
A horse walks into a bar. The shocked bartender points a finger at him alarmingly and yells “HEY!”
The horse replies "You read my mind buddy!"
Every time I ask what LGBT is
I can never get a straight answer
I feel awful because I scolded my son after he gave me my 50th birthday card
But part of me feels justified because one would have been enough
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.”
The nun agreed… A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?” The nun replied, “He went that way.” After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Iraq.” The nun said, “I understand completely.” The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!” The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don’t want to go to Iraq either…
My wife locked me outside the house because she got sick of my terrible wordplay jokes.
I texted her "Oh pun the door!"
Knock knock…
Who’s there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the bathtub, I’m dwowning.
Did you hear about the electrician who drank on the job?
He got buzzed
I saw a post in my feed about avoiding procrastination
"Saved For Later"
Will glass coffins ever be popular?
Remains to be seen
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine’s Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
[repost] Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon…
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with "Ah, I guess you had to be there." https://twitter.com/draxar/status/239766758842568704 [Total report, but topical today]
A man and his wife are fast asleep in bed when the phone rings…
The man picks up, listens for a second and says, 'How the hell would I know, you idiot? I'm not a weatherman,' before slamming down the receiver. 'Who was that?' asks his wife. 'Wrong number. It was some jerk asking if the coast was clear.'