My favorite go-to movie of all time is “The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button.”
Never gets old.
Doctor : “ How many times have you watched Mary Poppins?” Me: “About 50, Why?”…
Doctor: “I’m afraid you’ve got an umdiddleyumdiddleyumdiddley eye”
An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?" "Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds." "Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?" So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago." "I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"
My mother handed me $20
"Take your brother to see a movie for his birthday. Keep him out until 2:00 while your father and I set up his surprise party." That was the day I realized my brother was the favourite twin.
A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister’s underwear.
I don't know if it was because she was still wearingthem or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
I called the doctor “My wife is going into labor! What should I do?” “Is this her first child?” he asked.
"No, this is her husband."
Can vegans eat pudding?
No! How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat!?
Dad joked by my toddler….a proud day
Wife made asian food for dinner last night, Tofu/Rice/Veggies/Chicken Wontons. Toddler is killing the wontons and we teach him how to say "wonton" so he can ask for more correctly. As he's stuffing another piece into his mouth I ask him "hey bubba, do you like wontons?" To which my son replies, "No..like twotons" My son's first joke and it's a dad joke…i'm just so proud lol….
Why did Star Wars 4, 5, and 6 come before 1, 2 and 3?
Because in charge of the schedule Yoda was.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down, and possibly use a lubricant
Who can drink 2 liters of gasoline
Jerry can
Why do HK police go to work early?
To beat the crowds.
Two guys are on opposite sides of a river.
One yells to the other "Hey! How do I get to the other side?" The other responds "You are on the other side!"
A woman reported one of her coworkers for sexual harassment because he said he liked the way her hair smelled. The HR rep said that it wasn’t sexual harassment.
The woman replied, "But it was the midget".
Geology rocks but Geography is where its at.
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Who else in the Midwest got absolutely wrecked by the weather?
Who else in the Midwest got absolutely wrecked by the weather?
Looking for hot singles in your area? Or maybe tens or twenties?
Check out Tender!
Did you hear about the farmer that won a Nobel Prize?
He was out standing in his field.
An American walks into an Irish bar.
While on vacation, an American walks into an Irish pub and orders a drink. After a minute he says out loud, "I'll bet anyone in here $1,000 if they can take 10 shots of Jameson in a row, without stopping or vomiting." The bar gets quiet except for one man who gets up and walks out. The American laughs and continues to finish his drink. No more than 5 minutes pass, when the Irish man who left earlier, walks back into the pub and says, " I'd like to take ye challenge." The American laughs, buys the 10 shots for the Irish man and shows him the cash. Quickly the Irishman slams all 10 shots with ease. Astondished, but a man of his word the American gives the Irish man the $1,000 and says, "I just have one question, where the hell did you go?" The Irish man laughs and says, "Oh Aye jus went to the pub across the street to see if aye could do it."
Christmas is a lot like sex
I always get really excited but after it's over I regret spending all that money.
My wife likes to say marrying me was like winning the lottery…
I like to remind her that most lottery winners blow their winnings.
Boy George has 5 reddit accounts and likes to switch between them.
He's a karma-karma-karma-karma-karma-chameleon.
I was at a really emotional wedding today…
Even the cake was in tiers.
Where do you keep Schwarzenegger dolls in a store?
Aisle B, back
If you hit Dwayne Johnson’s ass
Does it mean you hit rock bottom
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, which promptly lays down on the floor. The barman says, “Oi mate, you cant leave that lying there!”
The man says, “It’s not a lion it’s a giraffe”
Someone stole my gate
I didn’t say anything because he might take a fence
A limbo champion walks into a bar.
He is disqualified.
I drive around and sell pies. Key Lime for $6 and Pecan pie for $8.
Those are the pie rates of the car I be in. (I married two old jokes together, I hope that’s ok)
I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.
The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.
The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!” Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!” So the Pope slapped him.
Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
When you die which body part dies the last?
Your pupils, they dilate.
When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology.
It always was my achilles elbow.
All of my friends have such expansive bucket lists.
Mine is just a little pail in comparison.
A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250.
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe’s house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’ Joe replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’ The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve spent it already.’ Joe said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’ The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with it? Joe said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’ The farmer said, ‘You can’t flog a dead horse!’ Joe said, ‘Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’ A month Later, the farmer met up with Joe and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’ Joe said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £5 apiece and made a profit of £2495.’ The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’ Joe said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £5 back.’