My favorite is when is an error unrelated to what I’m trying to test
To the jerk who stole my anti-depressants today.
I hope you're happy.
Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away
RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74
Fuck ugly people.
That way you'll finally get laid.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
A Psychology professor starts off his lecture by telling his students.
"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage." With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number. "Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers. "No, I'm sorry, you have the wrong number" says the person on the other end. "You see that students, that's surprise. Now allow me to show you what irritation sounds like." He picks up the phone again, and dials the same number. When it answers, the professor asks. "Hi, can Dave come to the phone?" "I told you you have the wrong number" "That's irritation, my friends" says the professor. "Now, let's look at what rage looks like" He picks up the phone and dials the number again. When it answers he asks. "Is Dave available?" "LISTEN, YOU FUCKING DIPSHIT. IF YOU CALL THIS NUMBER AGAIN, I'LL COME OVER, BREAK THAT PHONE IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS. AND IF IT DOESN'T FIT, I'LL PUSH IT IN WITH MY COCK!!!!!!" "And that's rage." "Professor, you forgot the fourth stage," says a young man in the front rows. "And what might that be?" asks the professor. "It's called the stage of total confusion. Allow me to demonstrate" He comes up to the podium, takes the professor's phone and dials the same number. "Hello, this is Dave, has somebody called me today?"
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: I have no idea what he's for.
A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in
Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror. "Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!" The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter. "You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!" The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state,forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs. "WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!" The wife runs to the fri- "CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the EGGS!" At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do. She gasps, "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs." The husband simply smiles and replies, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car," and leaves.
My wife thinks I should sing Solo
Solo that no one will hear me
What’s the definition of irony?
My neighbour's "No Tespassin" sign.
I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
Due to Political correctness Dick Van Dyke is having to change his name
He’ll now been known as Penis Truck Lesbian
A horse, chicken and a pig are out walking on a farm…
When suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole. The pig and chicken freak and they don’t know how they will get their friend out. So the pig and chicken run up to the farmers house and they bang on the door, no answer… again they bang on the door, no answer. In a fury the chicken busts down the door and grabs the keys to the Mercedes parked out front. Then the two of them grab some rope. The pig then drives down to the mud hole and attaches one end of the rope to the horse and the other to the bumper. The pig then pulls the horse out with the Mercedes. The next day, the three of them are walking again and the chicken falls into the same hole. The pig begins to say “I know what to do!” and begins to run back to the house, but the horse stops him and says “hold on, watch this”. The horse then steps over the mud hole and says to the chicken, “grab hold of my penis”. The chicken complies as he doesn’t want to die in the mud hole and grabs hold of the penis and the horse pulls him out. The moral of the story is, when you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet
Cause they lactose
I read an article earlier that said it actually takes three sheep to make one sweater…
I didn't even know they could knit!
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot!”
My roommate is 2 days younger than me
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was your age…” and then describing what I did 2 days ago
I read a lengthy article about Japanese sword fighters
It's okay I can Samurais it for you.
Don’t try to get a career in counterfeiting.
You won't make any real money.
What did one plate say to the other plate?
Dinner is on me!
We cannot allow this year to end
That would be admitting that 2021
Today I had someone knock on my door asking for small donations towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I've got two half sisters.
Welfare Check:
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know…., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2019 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well … You started it."
So my twin brother called me from prison
He said, "So you know how we finish each others' sentences?"
I was blessed with a 9 inch penis
That priest is in prison now
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion
Why is 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 71.
What’s a horses favorite alcoholic beverage?
Chardoneigh
Cheap oil, no immigration and no school shootings.
Corona did what Trump promised
Rest in peace, boiling water.
You will be mist.
I
J
Why does Waldo from the Where’s Waldo books wear stripes?
Cause he doesn’t wanna be spotted
What did the momma cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture bedtime
