My favorite part of this is fox pretending to be serious while there is a nascar ad in the corner.
I bought a pencil that was claimed to be owned by William Shakespeare, but the lettering’s all faded.
I’m not sure whether it’s 2B or not 2B.
He should have hired her!
Waist of time.
So a worker asks the owner: -What should we do? -Ask dumb Jimmy, our zookeeper, he'll probably fuck her for couple hundred bucks. So the worker goes to Jimmy: -Hey Jim, would you fuck a lioness for 200$ bucks? -With pleasure, but I don't have the money now, can you cut it from my salary?
About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me. It gets closer and closer until it eventually smushes against my cheek. I ask him "What are you doing?" "I'm measuring your patience."
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain… do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
I thought to myself, "What a peculiar clerk."
The Golf of Mexico
Because I got one stuck in my ass a couple years ago and me, my family and doctor still remember it vividly
She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens
Apparently it's not the best place to list your kids when you're trying to give them away.
So I punched him & stole his lunch money.
I will down vote myself on the way out….
The first girl says, ‘My boyfriend can fit a whole fist up there.’ The second girl says, ‘Ha, my boyfriend can fit two fists and a foot.’ The third girl just smiles as she slides down the bar stool.
Love Roman numerals
They aren’t going to make them any longer.
So now she has to sit up straight and keep her eyes on the road whenever she’s driving
Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?
Because mummy said the moment you croak is when we're all going to Disneyland!
Around the neighborhood, he is incredibly shy, quiet, and timid. As soon as he begins to preach, he becomes loud, boisterous, and is able to entertain the congregation with his sermons. “I’m not sure how you go from one personality to the next,” the woman tells the pastor over coffee. “Oh, it’s simple,” the pastor explains. “That guy in church is my altar ego.”
But I told them I couldn't quit "cold turkey "
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
It would be a pain in the ass
"For I did not speak of my own Accord…" – John 12:49
It had a reptile dysfunction.
It got stuck in a crack
It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
One more piece of clothing and I’ll be one whole Roy!
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.
She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe. 15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story. Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story. Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?" The son replied, "No, what? I was masturbating and I shot the dog."
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
But it’s up there.
OMG!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me after all.