mY FavORiTe PoST !!1!
If there’s one thing that makes me throw up.
It’s a dart board on a ceiling.
What I if told you
You read the title wrong
A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog with him.
A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him. He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it. The movie starts and pretty soon there's a funny part. The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter. In a little while there's a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping. This continues throughout the film and the man sitting behind the dog is astounded. When the lights come up he taps the dog's owner on the shoulder and tells him, "I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this movie." The dog owner looks at the dog and nods. "I know, it really is weird," he says, "because he absolutely hated the book."
I hate jokes about infinity
They always take forever to say… ha ha?
The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable wifi
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
Ans: Elephino
My wife told me the kid almost burned the house down
Now i’m really scared of arson
I asked my son to take 9 from 8, to which he replied “minus one”, I said…
“Yours is one what?”
Detroit isn’t That Bad… Trust Me
A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he's afraid of flying. "No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I've heard terrible things about Detroit; I'm worried about my family." The guy tells him, "Look, it's not at all like the rumors. I've lived in Detroit my whole life. Find a nice home in a nice suburb, get your kids into a decent school, the community is great… you'll be fine, trust me." The other guy seems to perk up and says, "Hey, thanks man, you've really calmed my nerves, I feel better. So what do you do in Detroit?" "I'm a tail-gunner on a Bud Light truck…"
I made my son sit through a 1 hour long PowerPoint presentation titled “The utmost importance of wearing a condom”.
All the slides were just photos of him.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you.
How does Spider-Man think of such witty comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability.
My penis is like a joke on reddit..
People seeing it for the first time usually laugh. And those who have seen it before get mad that they’re seeing it again.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius,
But his brother Frank was a monster!
TIL: Humans are born with four kidneys.
When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.
My wife says I’m the cheapest man in the world.
I'm not buying it.
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
Do you think oranges become juice willingly
Or are they getting pressured into it?
Who did Luke Skywalker learn to make pastries from?
WARNING: THIS JOKE IS ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE Obi-wanCANNOLI I’ll show myself out.
I was scheduled to teach a course in Origami, but then decided to give up.
Too much paperwork.
Did you know the population of Ireland is growing at a faster rate than any other country in the world?
It’s capital has been Dublin every year.
why was the electrician in the hood?
coz switches be trippin,
#644: A woman goes to buy a parrot.
The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks "Why is the last one so cheap?" "Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Dave, haven't seen you for weeks!"
A robber enters a bank and points a gun at the teller
Robber: Put all the money in the bag or you’re Geography! Teller: Don’t you mean History? Robber: Don’t change the subject!
I’m very generous when it comes to giving to charity.
I always say, "No, thank you. I'm not interested. But thank you for considering me, good day."
What did E.T.’s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
If one person has to go to the bathroom, they have to pee
If two or more people have to go to the bathroom, they have to queue
Why did the cannibal love Abraham Lincoln?
Because of the greatest speech ever written, "Four score and seven ears ago…"
And the winner for best neckwear goes to…
Well, would you look at that. It’s a tie.
If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days.
It will be a sadder day.
My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I’m paid to travel.
My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.
I went into a book store today and asked if they had any books about turtles.
The cashier said : “hardback?” I said: “yeah and little heads”
Did you hear about the new vegan parallel lines?
They never meat.