My favorite shirt, a gift from my wife.
I always knock on the fridge before I open it
Just in case there's a salad dressing
My dads best one yet
My family were on vacation and we were going on a hike. We had been walking for a little over an hour when my sister she had something in her shoe that was bothering her. She asked us to stop so she could take it out and my dad excitedly agreed. I was super confused as to why he seemed so excited, so I stopped as well. My sister sat down, took off her shoe, and my dad gasped dramatically. “Oh my god! There was a foot in your shoe.” He proceeded to laugh himself to tears, while I laughed at his reaction to his own dad joke.
What do you call a mute bodyguard?
A silent knight.
What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do on his free time?
He stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.
I can't tell you how much this award means to me.
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are. Me: Trick question… dogs can't whistle.
If con is opposite of pro..
then is Congress the opposite of progress?
I set the comp password to ‘Homework1st’ my daughter was getting frustrated…
I set the comp password to ‘Homework1st’ my daughter was getting frustrated that every time she asked what I changed it to, I answered. She did every piece of work, including corrections. Then I wrote it down.
3 men die and go to heaven
At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter Saint Peter: I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "this represents the Christmas tree" He is allowed into heaven The second man pulls out his keys "these represent bells" He is allowed into heaven The third man pulls out a pair of women's underwear Saint Peter: good lord what do those represent?! The third man says "oh well these, these are Carols"
A guy walks in to a psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts
The psychiatrist says "Well I can clearly see your nuts"
They’re banning phones in my school, my teacher was laughing her ass off at this
https://ift.tt/2TTqdCz
Downloaded a pirated copy of the Bohemian Rhapsody. Quality is really bad though. Low res. Dark. Blurry.
I see a little silhouetto of a man.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
“Dad, can you do my math homework for me?” “No son, it wouldn’t be right.”
"Well, at least you could try."
What do you call a Nun who walks in her sleep?
A roamin' Catholic.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor the first day I was hired.
Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.
“How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, 'Ribbit, ribbit' and a horny toad says, 'Rub it, rub it.'"
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old woman came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I once swallowed a whole dictionary.
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
I went to a seminar about unlocking my Chakras
It was really eye-opening
What does the horse say after falling?
“Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up”
What do lawyers wear to work everyday?
Their lawsuit.
![[OC]True Story](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/tskwnb5z7u641-400x255.png)
What do you call a dad joke that’s matured?
All groan up.
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them
I used to think all black people had boomboxes.
Turned out it was just a stereo type.
I entered 10 jokes in a pun contest hoping at least one would win.
No pun in ten did.
I tried to explain my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants,
but he's still making fun of me.
A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishmen
…are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals? "Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts." "I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience." "I say it's art," decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art." All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering, "The Channel".
The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…
Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!" Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!" Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?" Autumn leaves…
On Father’s Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
I was going to make an April Fools joke
But that was so yesterday
What do you call a teenage boy’s bedside diary?
Sticky Notes
The other day I yelled into a colander.
I strained my voice.
My new pencil can write UNDERWATER
it can write other words too
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
They’re really good at it.