My favorite thing too!
My wife’s leaving me because she says I have an unhealthy obsession with Africa…
Kenya believe it? I'm Ghana miss her.
Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed….
Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed …. Bill's wife was not wearing any panties! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" John admitted that, well, yes he did. She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 p.m. on Friday. Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 p.m. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 P.M. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?" She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.
You’ve heard of Alphabet Soup…
… now get ready for Times New Ramen
A friend of mine has just got a job as a director at Macdonalds farm.
He's been made the CIEIO
What do Jeffrey Epstein and Halloween decorations having common?
They don’t hang themselves. Happy Halloween
With the recent spike in sex toy purchases because of corona virus, I can only draw one conclusion.
The virus is literally making us go fuck ourselves.
After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.
“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded. “What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re the only one here.” That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest. “What are you doing?” “Counting your ribs.”
The psychic convention is cancelled
Due to unforeseen circumstances
It’s crazy how fast milk trucks are driven these days…
One blink and they’ve gone pasteurise.
Three people die and appear before Buddha
Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads. -Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though. One of the people takes a step forward and speaks, seemingly troubled. -Benevolent Buddha, what more could I possibly do in my next life? I thought I lived and acted to the fullest. Because of my work almost the entirety of the earth's population will never starve. -My work was also to the extend of my abilities, says the 2nd one. Right now, the world I leave behind enters a revolutionary era were medicines can cure anything, such was my contribution. -My connections in life pushed all countries into an agreement of indefinite world peace, says the 3rd person. -I know all of your actions well. But that is still not enough. Here, let me show you a true example of someone who achieved everything that I ask for. They are waiting for the perfect reincarnation. The three people now both curious and excited follow Buddha to a small building. Their jaws drop when they find just an ordinary person inside. So ordinary that not even a small detail on that person sparks the tiniest interest. Before the Buddha can say anything else they all rush towards him. -Impossible, yells the 1st person! Such a plain human being! You! What was your work during your earthly life? -Who? M-me? I only had two part time jobs, nothing else that I can remember. During the morning hours I worked in a small plantation. Fruits and vegetables. -You're joking! shouts the 2nd person. And the second job? -Oh…that one was a bit odd. My village had a signboard were people would post their ads, job offers etc. But because the signboard was old, those would sometimes come off. My job was to put them back in their place. -This is preposterous, yells the 3rd person! How could you possibly have amassed such an amount of karma with just those two insignificant jobs of yours? -W-well, I don't know what to tell you. But I've really done nothing else, just farming and reposting.
Why is Waldo’s shirt striped?
Can’t be spotted
A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.
When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
Who is the coldest comedian?
Bill Brrrr…
Siri kept on calling me Shirley today
I was beginning to get annoyed about it but then I realised I'd left my phone in Airplane mode.
What do you get when you cross Willy Wonka with stolen fizzy lifting drinks?
You get NOTHING! YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY, SIR!
Midgets and Dwarfs…
have very little in common.
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.
If you feel the Bern you should vote for Bernie Sanders
That way you can get a doctor to take a look at it
A wife shows her husband a picture and says, “The camera adds 10 pounds”…
The husband, bewildered, says, "Why would you eat a camera!?"
Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he’s a stud..
But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.
Title
https://ift.tt/2Or1Fxj
I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it’s shell…
It only made it more sluggish.
The best thieves steal from birthday parties.
They really take the cake.
They should have a follow-up to the G7 summit a week later.
They could call it the the C Major summit. Maybe that would resolve everything.
Joke my 6 year old son made up.
What is the best type of pan to cook fish in? A CAST iron pan. Get it? Because you have to cast for fish. I thought it was super cute!
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop talking in clickbait.
What happened next will shock you!
So sick of double standards these days.
When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody says anything. But when I do it, people yell "what are you doing to your dog, you sick fuck?"
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson
My wife was complaining that I’m too lazy. I told her it’s not my fault.
Laziness walks in my family.
I got fired from my last job even though I always gave 100%.
Apparently that’s not how you grade exams.
Mom got a sex change operation
After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a sex change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home. That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them. "Did you seriously just have a sex change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked. He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."