My fiancé thinks I have an unhealthy obsession with assassins creed
and if I wear my robes to the wedding she’ll leave me at the Altaïr
My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago. She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt". I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.
😀 Because it puts a D right next to a colon.
You can say… I solved the case.
I just saw the trailer.
Husband: "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."
…so I stopped seeing her for a little while.
But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.
None. They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place.
It’s all in the delivery
Luckily for me, catscan
He is disqualified
I hope you’re happy now.
I was going to wait till we got home, but the little shit dropped the pizza.
I had a car crash the other day. A dwarf got out of the other car and said, “I'm not happy”. To which I replied, “Which one are you then?”
Because it was 2-tired. (Courtesy of my daughter)
He was blown apart.
…But then I thought, "Na, they've probably heard it before."
…jeeze I was young back then.
Guess who’s come crawling back
He said "uno, dos…" and then disappeared without a tres.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
A) No B) A little C) Señor
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, “Is this good for wasps?”
He said, “No, it kills them.”
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
She got so mad she said she was never going to play Scrabble with me again!
It’s nice to have a bit of company…
A cow with no lips!
Then I know it will never come for me