My first dad joke. Why did snoop dog preheat his frying pan?
They each got 6 months
She got a full sentence.
It’s gone spiral
It's much safer than going outwindows.
He’s my cousin, twice [removed].
It’s like shooting fish in apparel…
Because they make the toys.
Because it’s sitting in the middle of the AC
…now I sneak out of parties to go home.
The bartender looks at him and says, “Do you know you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants?” The pirate goes, “Aye, it’s been driving me nuts!”.
A date site for witches is known for its members’ relationships moving too fast, and most of them ultimately break up.
Don't mount your Wiccans before they're matched.
A little girl says to her mother: “Mummy, when you were away at the weekend a strange lady came around”
"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home." So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?" And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet – I'll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear." "Well," says the little girl, "Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs. Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole." "Clever girl," purrs Mummy. "What could you see through the keyhole?" "I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other's clothes off, and they carried on until they had nothing on, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her." "Yes?" says Mummy. "And then what happened?" "Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year," says the little girl confidently.
Beethoven's final movement
Heard him tell his class mate, ‘You’re good at running. I bet when you grow up you are going to be a great racist.’ (Good luck today all you London Marathon racists!)
The high C.
Remains to be seen.
Not this year though – I'm quitting cold turkey…
Me: Can I play piano? Doctor: Yes you can. Me: Wow! Thanks! I never could before.
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
She went crazy and said she won't play Scrabble with me again
A loud knocking on the door wakes a man and his wife in the middle of a stormy night. The man opens the door to a stranger, who asks him for a push. "No way!" says the husband, slamming the door shut in the stranger's face. "Who was that?" calls his wife. "Just some drunk asking for a push", he answers, "it's 3 am and pouring heavily out there!" " You should be ashamed", his wife replies, "don't you remember that time when we broke down and those two guys helped us out? You should go and help him." Sighing, the man pulls on his coat and heads out into the pouring rain. "Hello? " He calls out in the dark. "Do you still need a push?" "Yes, please", comes the reply. "Where are you?" the husband calls out. "Over here", the drunk replies, "On the swing".
When you pee on them, they disappear.
Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down 😉
Great man, terrible geologist
MARIO: JUDGE: It’s a fine. MARIO [sadly]: No, itsa not.
"Take your brother to see a movie for his birthday. Keep him out until 2:00 while your father and I set up his surprise party." That was the day I realized my brother was the favourite twin.
They might spike the punch.
He replied, "it's basically a small oak tree, in a nutshell."
It was a brief case.
At the hearings, Kavanaugh was asked how he would prefer to cross a waist deep river, in a rowboat or simply walk across it
He said he doesn't want to give an opinion on Row Vs. Wade
I think she's mad, because she still hasn't spoken to me.