My first job was working at an orange juice factory
..but, I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
I wonder what she is up to now.
Satan was unsure of why the engineer was sent down there, but he might as well be of use. He commissioned the engineer to install AC, plumbing, various water features, and many other amenities that really started to turn hell into a pretty decent place. God, on the other hand, took notice of what was taking place and was furious. He demanded to speak with Satan. "Why do you have this man when he lived righteously and has a place in heaven?" God bellowed. "I don't know, but I'm keeping him," Satan snarkily replied. "You will hand him over now," God said ferociously, "or else I will sue you!" Satan smirked. "Where you gonna get a lawyer?"
I tried to go last night, but they were clothed.
You will be mist.
Lovely woman, useless surgeon…
Not really. Maybe once in a blue moon.
If you put your ear to it, you can smell the sea.
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks. After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class. I've recently started going to the pub and drink pints of Carling and every Friday I have fish&chips. My favourite football team is Manchester United. Beat that!" The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking paki cunt."
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it…
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
When it's full groan
I watched it all unfold.
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
but I just couldn’t fit my head that far up my ass
He responded, “can’t complain.”
but all I got were smaller, weaker leg muscles.
Judge: Who the hell are you? You are not even in this trial. Me: I know. I just want it on the record.
I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.
Me- “You gave me one too many” Shopkeeper- “that one is a freebie”
They each got 6 months
Guess that makes him Kim Jong-Ill now.
…It's something that a hundred men or more could never do
how bad an electrician I am.
When I thought to myself "Man…I'm fucking nuts."
I can do it with my eyes closed
Honestly, he couldn't give a fuck.
Then it hit me