My first meme. Hope you like it
How do you piss off a female archeologist?
Find a used tampon and ask her what period it is from.
What part of your body is the last to die?
Your eyes, cause they dilate
How do you tell the difference between a chemist and an electrician?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized"
My wife and I are finally going to visit San Francisco to see the Golden Gate in person.
Her: What are you going to do when we see it? Me: We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
The wife is giving birth, but she was in severe pain.
"There's is an option," Said the doctor, "I had invented the machine that transfers the pain of the mother to its father, the only thing is that the pain will be 10 times more intense." The husband, being the man he was, told the doctor to do it. The doctor turned it up to 10%, the husband stood like nothing happened. Then the doctor raised it to 50%, the husband didn't even flinch a bit. "it's a wonder!" said the doctor, " do you feel any pain?" "not a bit," said the husband, "turn it to 100%" "Are you sure?" said the doctor:"you can die from such pain" The husband agreed and the pain meter got up to 100%, but he still felt nothing. When the couple got home, the mailman is dead on the front porch,
Assistant: “Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?”
Boss: "Certainly not!" Assistant: "Thank you so much sir."
Never date a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.
I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth on a gram.
I was – like – 0MG.
I just found out my girlfriend just gave me an STD….
Looks like I’m gonorrhea-valuate the relationship
I don’t like Civil War jokes
I General Lee don’t find them funny
Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, …
… arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high. "I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do." He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over. "When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond 'one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed. The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started. "Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?" The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?" So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, "…plus a constant."
Does my thai girlfriend have a dick
Something inside me is telling me yes
Samsung?
Well what did he sing?!
Someone toilet papered my house last night
Now it’s worth $875,000
An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?" "Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds." "Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?" So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago." "I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"
“Russian Roulettes are safe”
-5/6 Scientists
I went on a gluten free diet because I was experiencing constant headaches.
And it actually worked. Clearly my-grains were the issue here.
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry…. we can't hire you." "But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
If I have twin daughters, I’ll name one Kate
And I'll name the other "DupliKate"
(At the vet) “Doctor, my two pet birds seemed to be stuck together. What is going on?”
Vet: I have no idea. It’s toucan fusing.
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
A cardboard belt is…
a waist of paper
If you *still* don’t see the con, you’re probably one of his 62,985,134 marks
https://ift.tt/2RWnJny
Had to quit working at the gym because I got too exhausted racking all the weights..
Put in my too-weak notice.
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.
“No, go right ahead.” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says “plethora”, and sits back down. “Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot.”
Diarrhea Awareness starts tomorrow.
Runs for 2 days.
If getting married is supposed to be forever…
…does that mean there's a wifetime guarantee?