My first post here
What is it called when two redheads have a baby?
Ginger-bred!
I was beaten up by a busty women in an elevator.
I was staring at her boobs when she said “would you please press one?” So I did.
My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.
As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused…
I guess it was the delivery!
![[OC] Why shouldn’t you use your cell phone while traveling in Italy?](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/no_image_card-79-400x247.png)
Recently, I have started gardening and started to plant all my herbs in alphabetical order. People often ask how I find the time.
I tell them “it’s next to the sage”
READ BEFORE POSTING: Memeless Monday is now in effect!
Memeless Mondays are now in effect, a system we’ve created that will hopefully improve content quality on the subreddit (at least for some part of the week).For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it can’t be found on the first page of a google search using keywords and it isn’t a quick edit of an existing template, you’re probably fine.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.Memeless Mondays end at 12AM EDT on Tuesday. If you have any concerns or changes you feel would improve this system, please send them via modmail. Thanks!
I can’t believe it’s been more than a hundred years since Einstein proposed his Theory of Relativity.
It feels like only yesterday.
Why is the mens bathroom always on the left?
Because women are always right.
I met an Asian guy at a party and asked him, “Are you Chris Chen?”
He said: No, my name is Daniel. Do all Asian guys look the same to you? Me: No. I meant, do you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior?
Did you miss the IOKIYAR Amendment to the Constitution? It’s OK, If You’re A Republican.
https://ift.tt/37frKs1
What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn’t beat cancer
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents!
What’s black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times, and she won’t think twice…
Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember. Because elephants never forget
A man had been drinking at a bar all night and pukes down the front of his shirt.
“Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to which he replies “a drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning”. To which his wife says “Ok well then why do you have $40 in your hand?” “Because he also shit in my pants.”
I hate using Microsoft internet browsers
It has me on Edge
How Long Is A Chinese Name
No text found
What did the burglar say when he detonated a bomb to get into Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!
I saw my kid reading Fahrenheit 451. I asked him, “How do you like it?”
He said, “This book is lit.”
In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.
All the other paintball players started freaking out though.
Finally the answer for why people are panic buying toilet paper
Every time on person sneezes, 10 people around them shit themselves.
If big feet means big dick and big car means small dick…
Then no wonder people are so scared of clowns.
What do cops say when they have sex?
Stop resisting!
Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.
There's a lot to do in Chicago.
Axe Body Spray responded to Netflix’s tweet “what’s something you can say during sex but also when you manage a brand twitter account?” And responded with “Now 33% bigger.”
What they should have said is "we will make you gag".
ONE OF MY KIDS BROKE MY CAPS LOCK KEY.
I’M NOT UPSET, BUT DON’T KNOW HOW TO SHOW IT.
A presidential aide says to Trump; “Sir, I had a dream about your parade yesterday night.”
"Was it yuge?" Trump asked, visibly interested. "Oh, yes," said the aide, "there were millions of cheering people turning out to celebrate all along the streets." "Was it tremendous? Trump asked, visibly excited. "Oh, yes," the aid replied; "You were in a huge carriage, flanked by all the members of your family and cabinet. They were also very proud and happy, particularly your wife." Trembling with excitement and rubbing his hands together, Trump questions the aide: "And tell me, was I looking good?" The aide replies: "I didn't know, sir. The casket was closed."
I got bored in class today learning about cells, so i made this. Its not very good ik
https://ift.tt/2OrCOdg
I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire
I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes.
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.