My friend apolgy fur tge bdd engrish
A man found a genie lamp
When the rubbed it the genie came out and stated the rules. Genie: You cannot wish for more wishes, immortality, or love. Man: I wish to not die a virgin Genie: I just said no wishing for immortality
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends COP: What would you call that group? CROW: …I want a lawyer
Why can’t dyslexic people tell jokes?
They always punch up the fuck line.
I went to the doctor’s yesterday and told him that I kept thinking I was Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck. With a look of concern, he asked…
“How long have you been having these Disney spells?”
What did the elevator say to the stairs?
I don't know. I'll escalator.
Principal: Sorry to call you in, but your son set the school on fire.
Parents: Arson? Principal: Yes, your son.
Recently a man was cooled down to absolute zero
Don't worry, he's 0K
My son is so ungrateful,
I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas but all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
Getting weights delivered to your house is so expensive!
It's best to just pick them up.
Why is suicide illegal in china?
Destruction of state property
Dieting is really easy
As long as you're poor
So I’m in my garage and my wife walks in.
She yells STAMPEDE!!! And threw a handful of animal crackers at me. I'm giggling like a schoolgirl.
My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games
What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4
What does James Bond do before he goes to bed?
He goes undercover
An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and a bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his new Mercedes-Benz and he will supply all of your clothes." The social worker then went on to explain further"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well…You started it!"
It’s my wife’s birthday in a couple of days and when I asked her what she wanted she said she’d be happy with anything with lots of diamonds in it…
She’s going to love this pack of playing cards I’ve bought her…
I ate a watch once…
It was so time consuming.
My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned…
I thought we had good alchemy…
As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero…
The Invisible man!
You can actually nut during November.
You just can’t have anyone cashew.
OC boomer comics are now limited to Sundays. If it’s satire, it belongs on r/antiboomershumor
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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me…
"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either." "Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."
Banks need to get better at restocking these ATMs
This is now the fifth one that has insufficient funds.
A group of photographers went out to dinner..
As they sat at their table, taking photos of their food for social media, one of the photographers realized he hadn't been given water. He approached the bar and asked for a glassful, with which the bartender obliged. Rather than immediately leaving, he stood there and stared at the bartender for a moment before returning to his seat. Soon enough, he found himself thirsty again, and took another trip to the bar, and once again stared at the bartender. This happened again and again throughout the night, with the bartender becoming progressively more frustrated by the photographers persistent requests for glasses of water and uncomfortable stares. Finally, on the photographers fifteenth trip, the bartender loses his cool and yells, "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer!"
Dad: *washing car with son*
Son: Dad, can't you just use a sponge ?
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Curiosity.
Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
Someone keeps leaving celery on my doorstep…
I think I'm being stalked! EDIT: a word
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He Never Lands! I like this joke because it never grows old 🙂
Stalin appears to Putin in a dream
He says to Putin: "I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue." Putin asks, "Why blue?" Stalin replies, "I knew you would not object to the first one."
Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?
All the walls are load-bearing.
I’m still single on Star Wars Day…
Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.