My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after one gets a vasectomy?”
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
The pupils, they dilate.
You can hide, but you cant run
He’s also going to see Stan Lee next week!
It was soda pressing.
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!" He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
I showed my Indian friend and he said "I can't believe it's not Buddha".
The driving range, because that’s where you hit your balls
In a cult, there is a person that knows that all of it is bullshit but in a religion, that person is long dead.
When the punchline is a parent.
XI is just a fucking asshole.
But, baby, it’s cold outside!
"For I did not speak of my own Accord…" – John 12:49
I said maybe
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare.
I just don’t know the order of them
A light saber
Two ladies had been friends for decades. Every day they sat together on a bench in the park and chatted.
One day, one lady told the other, "This is terribly embarrassing, but I hope you understand. You know how it is to be old. I keep forgetting things. I have to tell you, my dear friend, that I simply can't remember your name. Could you please tell me your name again?" The other lady looked at her for a long time, and asked, "How soon do you need to know?"
…does that mean they're on standbi?
to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo. After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
But the odds were against them
People always asked how I could tell them apart. I said it's easy, Mary always paints her nails purple and George has a cock.
What does the bar tender says when a Neutron enters the bar?”No charge for you sir”
I couldn’t differentiate between them.
"Cock, a doodle do."
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back." "That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
A sheepdog tells the farmer he’s going to round up the sheep and comes back with 50 sheep and the farmer says “We only have 48 sheep.”
The dog replies "I said I was going to round them up,"
… and a lifetime ban from the New York Zoo.
It was here a minute ago
Yep. It's our bison-tennial.
It was really eye-opening
I'd give it one star.
But my kids are still here.
Neither of us is rolling.