My friend claims he can print a gun in using his 3D printer…
But I'm not impressed, I've had a canon printer for ages.
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable."
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed.
6:30 is the best time on a clock.
Hands down.
A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."
I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s sweet.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
The girlfriend and I just drove by a shoe in the road
GF: A shoe! Me: Bless you Was pretty proud of myself for a couple minutes.
If you smoke seaweed
You need professional kelp
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb really has to WANT to change 😏😏
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me 😁
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My dad tried to punch the fog today…
he mist.
Duck fart
My daughter just looked at me funny when I farted next to her on the couch. She said it sounded like a duck. I replied with "Obviously, it came from my buttquack."
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise
He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.
Did you hear about the mechanic that was caught having sex with car parts?
He got off with a suspension.
my son is a male trapped in a female body
he'll be born in may.
My dad decided to name his new truck “Stormtrooper”…
That way he doesn't hit anything
Can monsters do math?
Not unless you count Dracula
Isn’t it weird when sometimes you’re thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?
Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she laughed.
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
My sister called my dad today to ask if there’s any history of glaucoma on his side of the family.
My dad: “None that I’ve seen!”
What’s the difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl?
One shoots and shoots and never hits, and the other hoots and hoots and never shits.
Young Virgin Couple
Young Virgin Couple A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father. "Pop, what do I do first?" "Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies. So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama. "Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again. "Now what do I do?" he asks. His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice. A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks. "Well, what is he doing?" mama asks. "He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"
Met an older lady at a bar last night.
She wasn't bad for a 55, we drank and flirted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter combo. I said,"No. But it's my secret fantasy." We drank a bit more, then she said that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs, "Mom! you still awake?"
If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex…
Would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
![[Satire] some good advice here](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/c6qJWVy-400x206.jpg)
Whoever invented the knock-knock joke
should get a no bell prize.
My kids ask me why I always knock on the refrigerator door before I open it.
I say, "Because there may be a salad dressing."
Where did Captain Hook purchase his hook?
At a second hand store.