My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe it.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
Webster’s dictionary recently changed the spelling of Aquarius to “Ahquarius.”
This is the donning of the "h" of Ahquarius.
I just found out I was dating a communist..
I can’t believe I missed all the red flags
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says…
5 beers please
Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the steakhouse market?
It was a big McSteak.
This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.
Yesterday, he brought his dog along.
What do you call a rectangle that got into an accident?
… a wrecked angle.
Donald Trump gets executed and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly. “But Donald, CNN says you were killed!” Ivanka cried. “Nope!” Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, “fake noose.”
My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.
A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.
Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"
Did you hear about the new vegan parallel lines?
They never meat.
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten-year-old schoolboy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.
Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, takes one and jumps. Boris said ‘I’m needed to sort out Britain’. He takes one and jumps. The Pope said ‘I need one as the world needs the Catholic Church.’ He takes one and jumps. Angela said to the ten-year-old: "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only just starting." The 10-year-old replied: "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA took my school bag."
What’s a Shark’s favorite type of sandwich?
A peanut butter and Jellyfish sandwich.
I’M A GOOFY RARRI!
I’M A GOOFY RARRI!
When a senior dev couldn’t solve your problem so you two call another senior to help
https://ift.tt/2xJMN9H
Just so everybody’s clear…..
I'm going to put my glasses on
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
Why didn’t the Mexican archer fire his bow?
He didn’t habanero
I beat my wife at dominos the other night.
She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings.
2 christians were stranded in a desert.
The first was called John and the second was called Jack. They were extremely hungry and thirsty. In the distance, they saw a mosque gleaming in the middle of no where. John suggested to go and pay the mosque's Imam a visit and ask for some food and water. Jack agreed but suggested to change their names to islamic ones so that the Imam would agree to feed them. John: That is pointless and deceiving. We should introduce ourselves with our real names. Jack: No, or else they won't feed us. From now on call me Mohammed. They made their way to the mosque and met the Imam and told him about their despair. The Imam told John: We have a room filled with food and water. As for you Mohammed, have a blessed Ramadan.
I was so thankful to come across a man selling his junk in the middle of the desert.
But it turned out to be a mirage sale.
Every morning on my way to work, the same bike comes and tries to run me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
My aunt’s star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died
She was eaten by a giant crab
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches?
…because then it would be a foot
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
![Philanthropy [oc]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/xhvc0kl30ke41-400x503.jpg)
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised!
If you aren’t impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole
you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation
What does the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue and you are in deep shit.
They always said if I wanted to make a difference, I should put my money where my mouth is.
I can really taste the change.
I buy my guns from a guy called T-Rex
He’s a small arms dealer.
A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]
Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted. So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each. When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and starts sucking on it. The barteneder forgetting that they had not payed yet thinks something else is going on so he kicks them out. They repeat this for around 15 more bars and are hammered. Then the first guy says "damn my back hurts from bending over so much!" The second says "you think that's bad? I lost the sausage 7 bars ago"
Me and my girlfriend are just too different…
I exist and she doesn't
I was going to be a history teacher.
But I don't like living in the past.
A little known fact…
Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.
My grandfather died because the medics mistakenly thought he had Type A blood.
Turns out it was a typo.
